Thursday, December 17, 2009

I hate coughing

I got sick easily when changing season. Guess my body is reminding me that I was borned and raised in Malaysia, a country with eternal summer. I remember I cough badly 2 years ago around this time. I was lucky by then because there was a guy, who didn't say a word and took his bike to cycle to the nearest pharmacy and bought me the coughing medicine and some sweets when he heard me coughing continuously. I was touched...

At this moment, I miss him. When some memories being triggered, more and more flash backs run through my mind. The moment that we spent together, the moment he cared for me...

A few days ago, I started coughing again. I thought it will get better soon but after days have past, my coughing just becoming more and more severe. Now everytime when I cough, my heart is aching. Listening to the voice when I cough, I thought my lungs are coming out. My tears just dropped down uncontrollably. Is it because I am suffering from the coughing? Or the stress of the final papers? Or... I miss him? Perhaps all of the above.

Thank you for took care of me. For some reason, we are not seeing each other anymore. Nevertheless, you will always stay in my heart.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Evolution Psychotherapy Conference

I am so excited that I am able to join this world's largest psychotherapy conference 2009. Today is the very first day of the conference and I have already learned so much. I wish I have time to share what I have learned but too bad my schedule is crazily busy these days. Final papers are still waiting to be done and yet I am spending my time in the conference, which is extremely worth it. I am just taking a quick moment to update what I am up to lately and share my excitement for the conference. Hopefully (keep my fingers crossed) that I will be able to share what I have learned after everything has settled.

This is the first time I see my thirst for the knowledge. I am not really a very hardworking person and not really always want to learn new things but I really see my passion in this psychotherapy field. I guess good for me ^_^

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Wisdom of Letting Go

I try to force myself to fit into the square shape when I truly not a square. I still holding something tight while my heart clearly told me the thing isn't belong to me. Sometimes human beings, or perhaps just me, is stupid enough to hold on something that is clearly not belong to me and wait until hit the rock bottom to finally let go. Perhaps it's time for me to do more yoga and more meditation to find out the answer for still holding on while it is clear enough to let go.

It is funny when I realize there are times I kept persuading myself the reasons to hold on and don't give up easily. Letting go is not an easy job as it looks and really need some wisdom. Clear enough, I do not have that, YET. I pray to God, whoever above me with the super power, to let me be able to gain the wisdom ASAP in my life. I believe by then, I will be able to open my arms and receive the beauty of the universe that full of choices, again.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Planning for Vacation

You know what? It is really help to write a blog when I feeling blue, down, sad, frustrated, annoyed or even angry. I am now feeling better and really started considering the possibility of going to Yosemite and Grand Canyon, for my end of the year long vacation.

I came to United States on November 27, 2006. I have been here for almost 3 years now. I spent my 1st Christmas with my host family in New Jersey at Beaverkill, New York and touched the snow for the very first time in my life. Ever since then, I never spend my Xmas and New Year in US. The 2 following years, I went back to Malaysia and spend my hot and humid Christmas with my family and friends back there. This year, I will spend my very first Christmas and New Year here in West Coast of United States. The fact that I never go to Niagara Fall when I was at East Coast is really a regret. A few minutes after I wrote my last blog, I started search the information for Yosemite National Park and Grand Canyon in Arizona. Both of the location required at least 7-8 hours drive. I haven't driven long distance since I completed my summer job last summer. Two years ago, I drove 16 hours non-stop all the way from North Carolina to Mississippi by myself. Today, I am not sure whether I can do that still.

The pictures from the searched results are really breath taking. Whether or not I am able to find a traveling partner to go with me, I am now considering to go alone if there aren’t any people interested going. I do not think I should waste my precious vacation sitting home, going nowhere, and doing nothing. Just take a look at the pictures below, I started fall in love with these places, especially the national park.


Grand Canyon Skywalk, Arizona
Grand Canyon, Arizona
Yosemite National Park, California



I need to find out more information for these 2 places and hope I will be able to go. If my budget not allow me to go to both places, I would consider Santa Barbara which is 2 hours away from me as another option. I keep my fingers cross, hopefully things will turn out fine.

Down

The anxiety level in me is climbing up. I do not really have a good week this week, not sure why tho. Is it because today is Friday the 13th?? I just feel frustrated, irritated and annoyed. I feel like want to pack my bag and go somewhere, anywhere.

Maybe I really need to take a break and have a little getaway. I remember there are times when I do not in a good mood, going to places close to nature would help. Places like beach, garden, jungle, mountain... Maybe it's time for me to back to nature. I miss the feeling cycling along the beach with the wind kissing my face. Perhaps I should do it this weekend? Or maybe run away to national park like Yosemite this Thanksgiving vacation? How about drive to Grand Canyon for the Christmas long vacation to view this wonder of the world? Maybe I should do them all???

I want to run away from reality NOW.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Two Extremes and The Golden Mean

I received news from my mother this morning about a friend of mine in Malaysia that she is very familiar with. He is getting married. He spent about RM15 000 to invite the friends for dinner in a 5 stars hotel, just to witness him propose to his girl friend. He gave every guest a t-shirt with the front written, “Will you marry me?” and the back part of the t-shirt goes, “Yes, I do.” And then he has the sleeves of the shirts with his name and his fiancée’s name printed on each side. This high-profile proposal gave me some thoughts and I decided to write it down. Before I go further, I would like to tell anyone who is reading this that this is just my personal opinion. I am neither criticizing anybody nor disagree with any of your actions or decisions that you made for your personal lives.

Lately I notice some of my friends like to show the whole world how lovely their relationships are in a "high profile" way. I am not considering posting the status of "In a relationship with so and so" on facebook or posting some of their sweet kissing pictures to share with friends as high-profile. I have many friends, literally many friends that just got married, just gave birth to babies and they posted their wedding pictures and baby pictures to share with friends their happiness. I am totally fine with it and actually appreciate them for doing so because they updated me with their current situation. And I am sincerely happy for them. However, when thing comes to an extreme then perhaps it is not a good idea anymore.

I have friends who do not care about their privacy at all. They post every single detail of their lives as they can through pictures and status on facebook. I am hooked on facebook lately because of the game but every time when I log on, I definitely see some of my friends who are extremely active in facebook posting the pictures of what they have done during the weekends. For example, if they went out to dine in a restaurant then they will post the picture of them standing at the front of their house, following by the picture in front of the restaurant. They will make sure the name of the restaurant has snapped and posted and then they took the pictures of the Menu. Then they will take the pictures of the food before they eat as well as in the middle of eating. Therefore even I was not at the scene, I know exactly what was going on including what food they ate, who they out with, what cloths they put on and what other activities they have etc. If they are going to some sort of “extraordinary” restaurant then it is understandable. However most of the time it is just a normal restaurant. Some other "interesting" status they post including what lunch they have today. If you are having some sort of "Lobster Fest" then brag about it is fine. When you are having Tuna sandwich or chicken rice for lunch then I think people not really care to know about it.

And then I have friends who are couples, posted on each other’s Wall (if you are using facebook then you know what “wall” am I talking about, and you sure know almost the whole world can see what has been posted on your Wall) hundred times a day telling each other what they are doing at this second. Those messages are actually normal and sweet between two people, using private text messages or email or anything else that are private. They are just so “special” to choose this high-profile way, letting the whole world know almost every detail what they are up to. And then I also have friend choosing high-profile way to celebrate their “anniversary”. There are certainly nothing wrong telling people you are celebrating anniversary. According to the dictionary, anniversary means “the yearly recurrence of the date of a past event”. Notice the word yearly. And they are actually together definitely less than 200 days and then they tell the whole world (well, almost all of the friends) that they are celebrating xxx months anniversary. Interesting!

It is interesting to see how the public figures try to protect their privacy and fight for it. They are so frustrated with the paparazzi that trying to disclose their privacy. However, look at some of my friends who just do not mind to share their really private parts of lives to others. Of course, I also witness another kind of extreme. I have friends who are couple but do not look like one at all. They do not hold hands in front of friends and pretend they do not know each other well. The guy would pretend to be not caring in front of the family members and friends. When everybody sits down to have meal, he will try not to sit beside the girl. This happen to some of my girl friends as well. The reasons that they provide might be ethnicity, financial situation, cultural background... Whatever reasons there are, I just do not feel comfortable seeing couples like this.

What do you do with the two extremes? I guess I would not respond too well for the “high-profile” extreme. For the latter example of extreme, I might start wondering whether he is the right partner for me. I do not need my partner to treat me extremely sweet and loving in front of people and act differently behind them and vice versa. Dear, are you the right one for me?

I am not opposing any of you who like to be high-profile or posting some intimate pictures with your partners online, with very little cloths on and some sexy postures. Just a friendly reminder here: Please do it with caution. One scary thing about technology is, even you do not put your own photos online but you can still see it online. For example, you can tag any of your friends in the photos and that photos will appear on their profile. Even after you remove the tag, the photos will only not appear in your profile but still remain in your friends’, once they post them. I have only posted 2 photos in facebook so far, which are the profile pictures. However, I have more than 70 photos in my profile currently. Besides the 2 photos that were uploaded by me, the rest were all uploaded by my friends. Isn’t that scary knowing the fact that even you want to keep your life private, your friends will still help you promote in ways. Of course, I am not blaming them for tagging me and have my photos appear online. They are nice for taking time to do that. I am just started to feel the deep fear for the powerful of the technology in this new century.

Please take some time and watch this video.




I think Mr. Obama is so right. We made mistakes in lives, especially when we were young. We might not think that is a mistake at this point of life but it could turn out to be a mistake some where in the future in our life. The mistake could be serious enough to threaten our future career or relationship. So please my dear friend, think twice before you post.

All right, I realize I am a little off topic. Back to our original topic here: the extreme and the golden mean. Confucius has talked about “Doctrine of Mean” (中庸之道) thousand years ago. There are things that I do not agree with him but I really think we should practice this. Balance in life is very important. Aristotle also talked about theory of the mean in ethical thinking. I think this theory not only applies well in ethical issues but our practical daily lives as well. Let’s work hard and monitor ourselves to gain the wisdom to be able to find the balance in our lives.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Happy Halloween!

I realize that I haven't written anything for over a month. Should I say I am BUSY, I have a lot of things going on, or... just simply... I am getting lazier.... for some reasons. And finally today, I decided to write something.

Halloween is approaching in 2 days. I was not as excited as last year since this is no longer the 1st time celebrating. However, I am excited today after participated my school's little Halloween Parade from Pre-K to 8th Grade. When I arrived school today, I am one of the minority that did not put my costume on because I was not told that I can wear crazy halloween costume to school. Then I saw the little ones and teachers with their colorful and creative costumes on, I then started feel the excitement of celebrating Halloween. You can tell the parents are really throwing money in to get their kids special costumes to put on at this particular day. This is a good sign according to a famous economist that asked us to spend more money during the economy crisis. Or perhaps, the economy is really getting better in US.

Anyway, it is really a big regret for not bringing a camera to school today. Or else I can share with you how wonderful these little kids look like. From princesses like snow white, little mermaid, red riding hood, fairies, angels; to robots and hero figures like superman, batman, ninja, star wars' characters; sesame street's characters; motorbike riders, rock stars, waitress etc, you name it! I think the most creative and really capture my attention are those self-made costume. And you bet they'll never have the second pair of the same one. Those including some of the "fast food stores" like In-N-Out Burger and Jack In the Box; Starbucks, and even Wall-E is alive! They are just gorgeous and creative!!

I am now looking forward for this coming Saturday's Halloween Party at my house! I hope I will have some interesting pictures to show you then ;)

Saturday, September 26, 2009

True Love

I watched a movie named "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" on plane when I flew back to US from Malaysia. Last night for some reason, I watched it again. Every time when I repeated some movies, I always get different messages. When I watched it again last night, the message that stands out for me is “Love is taking risks, but it worth taking”.

Today when I was lying on my bed trying to take a nap, this thought came into my mind, “The older we grow, the more timid we become.” We lose the courage of giving our loves unconditionally as we used to be when we were young. Especially for those who were in the relationships but they turned out meeting the wrong persons; they do not give their love easily. At some points, they close their hearts and lose the ability to recognize the right person.

I can understand the reasons people close their hearts as I was one of them, perhaps I still am. Being in a relationship that is not working can be so painful when separated. Whoever been through this probably understands better what I mean. Then when we meet another person in life that might be the right person for us, we either hold back our feelings, tell ourselves not to give too much, or we completely back off. Unfortunately when we try to protect ourselves by doing so, we unknowingly sabotage the potential relationship that might work well and push away the opportunity for the true love to grow. We longed for the intimate relationship that can last but then we tell ourselves we are not going to take this relationship seriously. Because “in case” he or she is not the right one for me, I can back off easily by not giving in too much.

By holding back our love in a relationship, we are not providing a strong foundation for a lasting relationship to grow. And when we cannot let go the past with the forgiveness not only to our ex partners, but also forgiving ourselves for the mistakes, we are holding our hurts and for some people, the resentment. Then when we started a new relationship, the memory of the past will keep coming back and haunt us. Then, we unknowingly repeat the behaviors and thinking that we did for the past relationships that are not working. Eventually, we are repeating the history.

When I am writing this, I remember a guy that I met last Thursday in a restaurant. This is a very special guy that inspired me, named Alex. He was very talkative and he was leading mostly all the conversation the whole night. He has good sense of humor and made everybody laugh the whole night. The reason of me writing about him is because of a statement that he made, “Marriage is so wonderful. When you find the right person, it is just awesome. When you are in the process of finding, it is like hell!”

At first when I heard him saying this, I was thinking, “Hmm… this guy must be just in a relationship or just married.” Later on when he disclosed that he has married for 14 years, I was stunned. I have seen a lot of sweet couples around me, as sweet as they can be. I do not have much feeling when I see them hugging, kissing and touching each other in front of the public or doing some sweet things like feeding each other etc. The situation that can deeply touch my heart is when I see old couples with white hair and hands full of wrinkles but still holding each other’s hands tight. For the whole night, he can’t stop talking about his wife and how wonderful she is. Some guys I have met, they do not even care to wear their wedding rings after 2 years of marriage.
I am happy for Alex for being able to find the love of his life. They are both lucky. Later on he told me that his parents are now over 70 years old but still give each other morning kiss everyday when they wake up, still holding hands wherever they go, I was so touched. His father said to him, “The only thing that I care about in this world, son, is your mom.” How wonderful!

And I truly agree with his saying. The process of finding the other half for our lives is really sucks. It took a lot of courage and it can be so painful when we thought we found one, but things turned out to be the opposite way.

Love might be a mistake, might mean taking chances. Is it worth taking?

When I see Alex, when I heard the story of his parents, I think it really worth taking. Is the eternity love exists in this world? Would I able to find the one that’s right for me? It is all about faith and courage. I would not stop my effort in recognizing my Mr. Right. How about you?

Monday, September 21, 2009

Remember, Dreams Come True

I just back from Disneyland awhile ago. I know I just been there last week for my birthday and yes, I went there again. This time, I was there just to watch the fireworks. As I mentioned earlier, I have the annual pass for the park and therefore I can go back there for almost whole year (as long as those days were not black out dates that set by Disney). On my birthday, I did not stay to watch the fireworks because I was tired and hungry. Plus, thinking of I can come back anytime just for the fireworks, I decided to leave the park at 7pm.

I saw the fireworks couple times far away from Disneyland. I thought it was just fireworks like other places, just fireworks but nothing else. I have seen fireworks once, which was about 6 years ago with friends at KLCC, the twin towels in Malaysia that used to be the tallest building of the world. It was quite impressive because I was standing really close to the place where the fireworks were set.

However, the fireworks that I have seen tonight was just truely amazing! It was not just an ordinary fireworks but with the classic Disney stories, musics and songs. We were standing in front of the pink castle and seeing the fireworks shooting from the castle to the sky and the little fairy flew over, as if she was the one that set the fireworks. When the first music on and the first firework flew across the sky like a shooting star, my tears dropped down. At that moment, my heart was so touched and I really can imagined that I walked in a magic world, with all the dreams come true. I did not has this kind of feeling before and could never imagine that the fireworks with music on would make me shed my tears. I am not a cry baby. I can only say, the fireworks show was just breathtaking, fabulous, awesome, incredible, marvelous, wonderful, tremendous, unimaginable, fantastic, excellent, terrific.....

Thanks again my dear, for making my dreams come true...

If you got a dream, you have to protect it. Never let anybody tells you what you cannot do. And then my friends, please do remember, "Dreams do come true!"

P/S: The below is the video clip that I found from YouTube. It is not able to show the amazing part of the fireworks as if you were in the scene, but it at least shows you briefly how the firework show looks like.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Random Update

Another warm afternoon and I wonder when these warm days are going to over. I miss the air-conditioner in my room, although it was not working too well. Today is Saturday, August 29. My one-month vacation is going to over soon, very soon. I am now sitting in front of my laptop trying to write something with the loud music on. I finally get myself a pair of speakers. I have thought of getting one for long time but since it was not the priority, I always delayed. Thanks to my brother for getting himself a new, over hundred Ringgit Malaysia speakers in the PC fair in Melaka and then “inspired” me to get one for myself, with a very good deal.

My hobbies used to be listening to music and reading book. I still enjoy listening to music but seldom read lately. I realized I am too occupied by activities such as surfing net and wasting time watching dramas and some other entertaining programs. I know I should cut down but I am not too good in self-discipline. I am trying though ;)

I have been surrounded by people when I was home. I was busying helping people with their issues, seeing my friends that I missed a lot and of course, accompanying my beloved family members and the adorable doggie. Today I am totally free, until I am not sure how can I use the time effectively. I have been experiencing jet lag since I landed in US. I slept around 1-2am and woke up at 5.30am these days. That makes me have plenty of time since I do not sleep that much. Therefore, I decided to write something.

Time has been a luxury thing for me to waste lately. It is just like a 5-year-old kid holding 1 million dollar and does not know what to do with the money. My situation is more or less the same. The difference is I do not have 1 million dollar but free time. My busy life and tight schedule make me almost forgot how to enjoy the free time that I got. The feeling of knowing that I do not have anything to do and any plan later is kind of good. However, this “luxury” can only be continued for a day or two. I would not allow myself have nothing to do for more than a day.

I have nothing to complain in my life lately. In fact, I am having good time. As of now, I am sitting in my comfy room, with the nice music on from the brand new speakers, enjoying the alone space (cause nobody’s home and I can turn on the music as loud as I want, muahahaha…), enjoying the beautiful flowers right in front of me and peaceful time. The only set back is the hot weather. Thank God for the new fan that I bought not long ago. It works well and does reduce the temperature in the room a little.

A friend of mine asked me on Facebook, “Are you going to show any pictures from Malaysia?”
Well, sorry girl. I am not a big fan of photographing. I never was. I used to take a lot of pictures when I first arrived in US, knowing that I was going back a year later. I took my camera with me everywhere I went and took as many pictures as possible. I was thinking, “Since I am only going to be in this country for a year, why not collect as many memories as possible?” After I made up my mind to stay longer to further my study, I kept my camera and hardly use it. Even I brought it with me to certain places nowadays, I do not even care to take it out and snap. When I looked back to my previous blog articles, I saw I uploaded quite a number of photos last time.

There are couple reasons I do not like to take pictures. I do not mind to have a camera person to take my photo (^_^) but I do not like to be that camera person. First of all, I like to enjoy the scenery without the need to worry about taking care of valuable things, such as camera. Second, although my camera is small and handy but it still carries some weight if I put it in my purse. Therefore, why bother? And I then realized, by not concentrating shooting here and there, I can enjoy the scenery much better. Of course, the set back is I do not have much photos as souvenirs after came back from the places. When I grow older and the memories faded, I might have nothing left. Life can’t be perfect, isn’t it? Still, I prefer not to take camera with me when I go out and have fun.

Let me talk a little bit about the background song that I just chose. This song named “No Boundaries” by Adam Lambert. There is another version by Kris Allen. I love the version by Adam Lambert better. Both of them have good vocal but Adam Lambert’s version really give me the feeling, the “oomph”. Listen to his version, I can really “feel” the message that he wanted to send: Life has no boundaries!

I hope you will enjoy the song as much as I do. Please take some time to read the lyrics. I do not like a song without a reason :-)


No Boundaries

Seconds hours so many days
You know what you want but how long can you wait
Every moment last forever
Then you feel you’ve lost your way

And what if my chances are already gone
I started believing that I could be wrong
But you gave me one good reason
To fight and never walk away

So here I am — still holding on!

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breathe it's harder to believe
You’ll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
Then take it by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

I've fought 'til the limit to stand on the edge
What if today is as good as it gets
Don’t know where the future’s heading
But nothing's gonna bring me down

I've jumped every bridge
I've run every line
I've risked being safe
I always knew why
I always knew why

So here I am still holding on

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breathe its harder to believe
You’ll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
Then take it by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher
You can go deeper
There are no boundaries
Above and beneath you
Break every rule coz
There’s nothing between you and your dreams

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breathe its harder to believe
You’ll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up everything
Then take it by the hand and show you that you can

There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries
____________________________________________________

I would like to dedicate this song to those dreams pursuers like me! I believe the lyrics itself is clear enough sending the motivation messege and do not need any further explanation. I like to turn on this music loud and sing (perhaps shout?) with Adam Lambert. It either make my feeling become better or pull me out from a dark hole. Try it sometimes, it might work well for you too ;-)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Stuck in Taipei Again and Missing Home...

Everytime when I left home, my feelings never the same. I was not feeling as hard compare to the last time but of course, still feeling a little down. Perhaps I slowly get used to my travelling-back-and-forth life and have accepted it as part of my circle of live. My feeling does not fluctuate much as I came back and went off for this time. However, it is hard for me to remain as calm when I see the tears in my dearests' eyes... From my very first departure until today, my dearest parents and my brother still saying goodbye with tearful eyes. I felt guilty last time when I left. For this time, my heart is full of love and gratitude when I looked into their eyes.

Dear Papa and Mama, thank you for always being so supportive. I know it is not easy to have the only girl in the family with a big dream to pursue thousand miles away from home. I really appreciate your acceptance and love. I know how much you wish me come back home next year right after my graduation. I never expect you will accept my will to further my study longer in US easily. I believe the reason behind was love. Thank you for loving me so much all these while. I know I always am the lucky one. I miss home, I miss everyone of you and I miss my cute little doggie.

The doggie named "Xiao Bai" (Little White). She slept with me every night and followed me everywhere in my house. The night before I left, I let her stayed beside me while I packed my luggage. She looked at me as if she knew I was leaving soon. I talked to her, telling her I was leaving tomorrow. She looked at me with her innocent eyes as usual. When I looked into her eyes, I really believe she knew I was leaving because she acted differently. Then today early in the morning, she kept jumping beside my bed, as if trying to wake me up or trying to sleep right beside me. She never did this for the 3 weeks time but this morning. Besides my family, I really miss her now...






This is one of the pictures I took when I first got home, before my brother cut her hair.






This is one of the pictures I took the night before I left.




She always look a little scare seeing the camera's flash light and trying to run away.
By just looking at her pictures now, I miss her again...


Saturday, August 1, 2009

Third Trip Going Back Home

I am travelling alone, again. This is my third trip flew back to Malaysia. I realized everytime when I travel alone, I like to write something. I wrote when I flew from Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) to Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA) and then wrote again on the trip from KLIA to LAX. Perhaps this is the best thing to do to kill time while waiting for my connecting flight. Now sitting in Tao Yuan International Airport in Taipei waiting for 2 hours 40 minutes for my connecting flight, I write again.

Regardless internatianal flight or domestic flight, I always travel alone. I used to enjoy that a lot and I used to have peaceful feeling even in the crowded airport and waiting room. This time, I am not sure why but my heart is not as peaceful and as excited as the previous trips. While my friend took me to LAX, my mind still was not really think about the trip. Not until I saw the planes took off from the airport, then I suddenly realized that I was going to fly few hours later. What was in my mind? Hmmm... I am not sure. Perhaps too many things to think of and then ended up nothing is clear.

If I put a ruler on the world map, connecting Malaysia and California, I think my heart is in neither end. It is now in the middle of no where. I am not sure what to expect this time when I arrive home. I remember first time left home to America, my feeling was so complicated. I wasn't sure what to expect, I wasn't sure what was going to happen and I wasn't sure whether I would feel homesick. Then I read an article saying a guy needed to leave his hometown in China and flew all the way to America. He needed to leave his beloved family behind to go there gain more money to help his family. The write wrote that at the time he arrived the airport in America, he ran to the water fountain and drank mouth full of water. He wiped off his mouth and told himself he would not look back. He friends then asked him what was the reason. He replied, "If I have made a choice to leave my hometown, then why should I keep looking back and torture myself with the past and memories? I am going to continue my life and look forward!"

I was impressed, and I am still impressed by his words. I believe I am really inspired by him. The first time when I left my hometown, I told myself not to look back. I did it and I really did not have hard time missing home. Then I found out I apply this theory to my life. If I were on board in a ship, I am the one sitting in front of the ship and looking in front instead of sitting at the back of the ship and looking at the scenary that has passed.

I do have memories like everybody else. Some of them are pleasant and some of them are not. Both the sweet and the bitter is part of the memory that cannot be wiped off. However, I know I have choices. I choose to enlarge the sweet ones and zoom out the bitter ones. And then, I lock them both at a very corner of my heart. I choose to live my current life and looking forward at the future instead of living in the past, in the memories. Memories do come out on the surface once in awhile as well as bitter memories do haunt me every now and then, but I am not allowing them to be the center of my life.

Perhaps this time, I am too occupied by the busy steps of my life and I leave no time to organize my thoughts as well as my feelings going back home. I still have about 5 hours to do it now before I arrived Malaysia. I guess I still will not stop smilling when I see the land of Malaysia.

Friday, July 24, 2009

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out Reconsider
Give the heavens above More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance (Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance (Rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who)
I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) (Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance (Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance (Rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who) (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance (Where those years have gone)(Tell me who)
I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) (Where those years have gone)

Another song that I love lately because of the meaningful lyrics and beautiful rhythm of the song.

Enjoy and the song and dance with your life :)

Saturday, July 18, 2009

最近

最近,在睁开眼睛的刹那,心里总是泛起一股淡淡的愁绪。像这样的感觉,好久都没有了。可在最近醒来的每一天,这种遥远却又有点熟悉的情绪却不时缠绕着我。压力吗?或许吧。

我何时又变得那么多愁善感了?淡淡的忧郁,时不时袭上心头,无论是工作时或是做功课时,都会突然走神,疲累的感觉更是挥之不去。心里总像有个填不满的空洞,无助的期待能被填满的一天的到来。而眼泪,也像装满水的水桶,随时都会溢出来。

糟了,这种种都是“忧郁症”的征兆!我是不是……


望着做不完的功课,心里既不耐烦却也同时庆幸有个寄托能让自己忙碌。想着未知的未来,心里更是泛起一股忧虑,以及一些挥之不去的害怕感觉。

怎办?希望一切都是暂时的。

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Distressing...

I am feeling distress now, probably a little depressed. This always happened when coming to the end of the semester but this time is worse. I have 3 major final papers due next week but I have not started any of them. And I still blogging here... Darn!

Arggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Under The Sea

Today when I listened to my iPod, I heard a song that brought up my memory when I was a teacher in Malaysia. Never thought of I could be a teacher someday, although when I was little I always played the role as teacher when played with my little cousins. Before I came to US, I was a teacher for couple months. Since I was leaving soon, I did not want to stay too far away from home and therefore found a job close to my home and that job happened to be a teacher in a tutor center.

I remembered the owner of the center liked me very much and after a month working there, she asked me to have my own class. I was hesitating, knowing that I won't stay there for long. Then a friend of mine, Kian How, told me, "Don't think you are as important. After you gone, there surely will be somebody take over the class. So just go ahead and open the classes." Because of his words, I decided to open the classes and that decision became one of my sweetest memories. When I listened to this song "Under The Sea" today, I can't stop smiling because the happy faces of my ex students appeared in my mind.

My classes were not the ordinary tuition classes like elsewhere. In the two hours of English class, I utilized the first hour for the boring grammar and writing session while the second hour is the time to sing and play some games, like treasure hunt that they loved. My main intention is to encourage them to speak English in an interesting learning environment. I remembered I spent a whole week to stay up late just to find the lyrics of Disney cartoons' songs' lyrics. The hardest part is not finding the lyrics but the cartoon pictures that related to the songs. And I was very choosy. For example, I weren't choose the below picture because when I photocopy it to them, it would appear ugly black or gray picture.



I have to find the coloring version of the picture so that when I photocopy it to them, they can color it if they want to. Even if they leave it as it is, it would not turn out to be greyish ugly picture.






You can tell, I really loved what I did. And today, this cute song sang by "Sebastian" really stirred up the memory. Those students were aged between 7 and 12. Some of them are already in secondary school. I am not sure whether they still remember their "Teacher Teo", but I am quite sure they would remember this song. We were singing happily and they enjoyed the songs as much as I did. I just hope one day when they happened to listen to any of the songs we used to sing together, there would be a little smile appear on their cute, innocent faces. And I hope, you would enjoy this song as we do :)

P/S: The below lyrics in red color is the fastest and hardest part to sing. Guess what, my cute little students were all able to sing this part PERFECTLY! So, why not you give a shot and see whether you can do as good.

Under The Sea

The seaweed is always greener
In somebody else's lake
You dream about going up there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor
Such wonderful things surround you
What more is you lookin' for?

Under the sea
Under the sea
Darling it's better
Down where it's wetter
Take it from me
Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away
While we devotin'
Full time to floatin'
Under the sea

Down here all the fish is happy
As off through the waves they roll
The fish on the land ain't happy
They sad 'cause they in their bowl
But fish in the bowl is lucky
They in for a worser fate
One day when the boss get hungry
Guess who's gon' be on the plate

Under the sea
Under the sea
Nobody beat us
Fry us and eat us
In fricassee
We what the land folks loves to cook
Under the sea we off the hook
We got no troubles
Life is the bubbles

Under the sea
Under the sea
Since life is sweet here
We got the beat here
Naturally
Even the sturgeon an' the ray
They get the urge 'n' start to play
We got the spirit
You got to hear it
Under the sea

The newt play the flute
The carp play the harp
The plaice play the bass
And they soundin' sharp
The bass play the brass
The chub play the tub
The fluke is the duke of soul
(Yeah)
The ray he can play
The lings on the strings
The trout rockin' out
The blackfish she sings
The smelt and the sprat
They know where it's at
An' oh that blowfish blow

Under the sea
Under the sea
When the sardine
Begin the beguine
It's music to me
What do they got?
A lot of sand
We got a hot crustacean band
Each little clam here
know how to jam here
Under the sea
Each little slug here
Cuttin' a rug here
Under the sea
Each little snail here
Know how to wail here
That's why it's hotter
Under the water
Ya we in luck here
Down in the muck here
Under the sea





Thursday, July 9, 2009

Joke of the Day

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Jokes about relationship always capture my attention. Most of the jokes about marriage would make me chuckled. Why is that so? I think because most of them are sacarstic in a way and yet it is quite true. Sometime, or perhaps most of the time, I can't stop wondering, "Why is it so hard when it comes to relationship?"

I have seen so many people around me struggling so hard when comes to relationship, and I am definitely one of them. We simply do not know what's in opposite sex's mind and could get frustrated easily by blindly guessing.

I just finished watching a movie named "He is just not so into you" few days ago. Throughout the movie, I can't help wondering and kept asking myself, "How true are those 'theories'?" One thing that I agree with, is that different gender thinks differrently to certain extend and sometimes we misinterpret the messeges or signals sent by the opposite sex. I am not referring to the 'signals' of whether "he is into you". What I am saying here is, sometimes we hope our partners can 'read' our minds, we ASSUME or EXPECT he or she knows what we are thinking. On the other hand, we THOUGHT that we know them very well. Then, just like my favourite professor said, "We stop getting CURIOUS to our partners."

For example, when our partners did something that we do not like or do not agree with, instead of being curious and ask them what makes them do so, we accused them and blame them:

"You do this because you don't care!"
"You NEVER care!"
"You are such a jerk! How could you do this to me?"

Worse still, some of us start calling names.

I am taking "Couples and Family Counseling" this semester and I always learn a lot from every class. I truely enjoy it. My intention is just to share this joke of the day but I ended up writing these. Anyway, hope this joke could make you chuckle as I did.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

一直很安静 It is always quiet

歌手: 阿桑 专辑:寂寞在唱歌
作词:方文山 作曲: 如花如岳 编曲:屠颖

空荡的街景 想找个人放感情
做这种决定 是寂寞与我为邻
我们的爱情 像你路过的风景
一直在进行 脚步却从来不会为我而停

给你的爱一直很安静 来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影 我却始终不能有姓名


你说爱像云 要自在飘浮才美丽
我终於相信 分手的理由有时候很动听

给你的爱一直很安静 来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影 我却始终不能有姓名

给你的爱一直很安静 我从一开始就下定决心
以为自己要的是曾经 却发现爱一定要有回音

给你的爱一直很安静 来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影 我却始终不能有姓名

给你的爱一直很安静 除了泪在我的脸上任性
原来缘份是用来说明 你突然不爱我这件事情

For those who can read Chinese, needless to say, you know the above lyrics is for the background song played in this blog. For those who don't, please enjoy the rhythm of the song.

Although this song is about three people struggle in a relationship, but I like some of the wordings:

The love that we shared, it's just like the scenary that you've passed
It is always continuing, but you never slow down your step for me

The love that I've given to you is always quiet,
to exchange the care that you rarely give.

The love that I've given to you is always quiet,
I have decided from the very beginning,
I thought what I wanted was just memory,
Then I realize, love is always hoping to get responses...

I am not sure I have translated it correctly, but what I am trying to say here is that love is never one sided. We would always hope the person that we loved would response us with the same love. Although, I still have some friends telling me, "As long as he or she is happy, I really do not need his or her response." I don't know how true it is.

Why not you tell me.

Monday, June 22, 2009

My Second Family

There was a Father's Day celebration in my house last night. My house were full of people eating hotpot together at the garage. I am currently living with a family of six persons: elderly parents, a son, a daughter and her husband together with their six-year-old daughther. I am the only outsider in this family but they treat me real nice, as if I am part of the family. I really feel I am the lucky one.

I remember long time ago, I blogged about a very important person that I met in the US and his beloved children. If it is not because of him, I would not meet such a wonderful family that I am living with now. He treated me like his sister and in my heart, he is truely like my big brother (since I do not have any biological elder brother in my life). And because of him, everybody call me "sister", including his parents-in-law! That is funny.

About ten months ago, a very good friend of mine who came to study together with me decided to go back to Malaysia due to some personal reasons. We used to live together, went to school together, ate together, slept together and almost did everything together, until she left. I started worry about the rental and the life that I need to continue here by myself. And then my brother, introduced me to his in-laws family and a nice room ^_^ I always feel thankful to him. Because of this family, I do not feel alone. Because of this family, I have chance to celebrate Chinese New Year and some other important festivals. I certainly know if I never met him and his family, I would be very lonely and all by myself, especially during special occasions. They are just like my second family, thousand miles away from my hometown.

This is a very close-knit family. If I am not mistaken, the parents have six grown children. Therefore everytime when they have party, my house will be FULL of people, literally full of people. Imagine all five children came back home with their spouses and children... Wow! And then the kids ran everywhere while the adults having fun playing cards or Mah Jong. Occasionally, you will hear kid's screaming, crying, yelling, and laughing (which is extremely normal). At that moment, I suddenly understand why my parents want me to go home so badly. I feel warm when I see them gather together. Like it or not, they are family. This is their root, their loved ones and their protection, if anything ever happened. I remembered my mom told me once, "Just come home, child. If you were to marry and have your own family so far away, if there were anything happened to you or your marriage, you have nothing there... But, you have your home here, a home that always opens the door and welcome you, no matter what happen."

My paternal grandparents have seven children. I remembered when I was little and my grandparents were still alive, we went to their house to celebrate CNY every year. I remembered feeling bored because all my cousins are either too old or too young to play with me. Now, I know it is a blessing when I am able to celebrate together with any of them, especially my grandparents, since they have passed.

Sometimes I wonder whether I should stay here longer to pursue my dream or just go back home right after I got my Master degree. My parents have three children and I am the only daughter in the family. I can understand their eagerness of wanting me back home. Putting my own dreams, needs, together with their expectations and wishes on top of the scales and weight, I still do not sure the answer. I do not want to stay here longer with the guilty feeling haunting me every now and then, and I do not want to go back home with the regrets following me for the rest of my life. Anyway, I will save this conflict till August to talk to my parents when I back home. I hope I will get my answer and decision by then.

This blog is about this special family that have a special position in my life. I feel truely thankful to them. Regardless of where I would be in the future, they will always be in my heart. I know when I think of any of them, my heart would always full of gratitude and warmth.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

爸,父亲节快乐

我和爸爸的关系,和其他父女不同。我们没有亲昵的称呼或拥抱,更没有交谈。我们一度像陌路人,虽同住一个屋檐下,但一天甚至不说一句话。我们之间的相对无言,真的是完完全全没有话题。我看见别的父亲对女儿亲切的感情,心里总是深深羡慕,也暗暗失落……我好希望自己的父女情也能那样。

两年多以前当我向家里正式宣布我要到美国,反对声浪最大就是来自吾老爸。当时心里只是觉得:“你就只会反对。反正我做什么都不对,都不好。”后来才知道,他除了担心,更多的是不舍。我尽了最大的努力说服爸妈,最后当然成功啦!刚来美国的目的是想增长见闻,一年以后打包回国,然后安分找份工作度过余生。现在在这里已经两年半了,可见,我并没有跟着最初的计划。可是在这里的两年半里,我和老爸的感情反而增进了不少。我记得去年和前年的圣诞平安夜,我都是和老爸两个人把酒对月、共同谈心度过。想象不到吧?就连我自己都无法想象,曾经那么冷漠甚至恶劣的关系,如今竟然可以坐下谈心。

我想,这要追溯到我在前年夏天的特殊工作。我说的特殊工作,不是那种“特种行业”,而是普通人或许一生都不会做的工作。这份工作,我得在炎热的夏天,抱着十几公斤重的书本,到一个完全陌生的地区一家一家敲门销售。虽然我不是千金小姐出身,可是也从来没有受过这样的考验。我家虽然不是腰缠万贯,但是至少是能让我温饱并有些许额外零花钱的处境。来到美国,在朋友的转介下接触这份暑假工作,我开始了我人生中少有的严峻挑战。我一直想好好地把我的“夏天经历”化成文字和大家分享,可是那种深刻的经验却不是只字片语所可以表达的。而今天,我想写的,是这个“夏天经历”如何让我和老爸的感情更进一步。

在夏日,我遇见好多好人,也遇见好多薄情刻薄的人。所谓人无百日好,花无百日红。当我碰到不好的天,也就是遇见很多不好的人的时候,心情跌到谷底。这时,我特别想念我老爸。自己在车上悄悄哭泣后,我就会拨电给我老爸。我记得当时是Georgia州下午大约一点钟,马来西亚时间已是凌晨一点了。老爸接到我的电话,有点紧张地问我怎么回事。我告诉他:“爸,不知道为什么,今天特别想念你。可能我终于知道你一个人出外打拼赚钱养家有多么辛苦了。”我爸沉默了一阵,可能他不知道该怎么接话吧。不知道他听见了我哽咽的声音没,然后他生硬地尝试转话题。闲谈了一会,他就叫我别做这份工了。或许我骨子里有叛逆的因子,他越让我不做,在我挂了电话后,我的士气又会提升,然后继续努力打拼。我觉得,他让我别做的原因,是因为心疼我的辛苦,所以我更没借口偷懒或放弃了。

这就是我的老爸。铁汉,可是柔情。刚硬的外表下有一颗柔软的心。刀子嘴,豆腐心;说的就是他这种人。我的思绪飘到了十多年以前,家里最艰苦的时候。那时老爸总是转换工作,甚至做起了渔夫。一个极度怕海的人,为了养家糊口,忍住了极度的恐惧,踏上摇摇晃晃的渔船往深海开去。有时捕到了条大鱼,我们全家还会欢天喜地到烧鱼档口饱餐一顿。他也当过罗里技工,每天天未亮就出门,天黑了才全身脏兮兮回家。当时的日子清苦,而我老爸的野心绝对不是只让我们温饱而已。小时的记忆无法清楚记得他打拼的过程,可是我知道他想给我们更多、更好的。

我第一次抱我的老爸,竟然是两年多以前他到机场送机时。我看见他红了的眼眶……那不在我的预期中。我心目中的老爸,是拥有冷酷、最能吓哭小孩的外表。我们之间的隔阂,让我差点忘了,我始终是他唯一的女儿。我听我妈说,在我走以后,我爸竟然失眠了。一年后我回国,在机场看见老爸时,他再度红了眼眶,然后转过身暗暗擦拭。然后,我看见了他鬓白的头发。只是一年,我的爸爸却苍老了那么许多。深锁的眉头,更是怎样也化不开。爸,你是不是有很多的烦恼?

我妈常说,我爸是浪子。如果我爸真的是不适合婚姻的浪子,我想告诉他:“爸,谢谢你让这个家绑了那么多年。我不晓得当初是什么让你毅然决定结束单身生活,但是你负责了,你挑起了养家的责任这么多年。再怎么不愿意,你的大半生却也已经奉献给了我们。谢谢你了,我亲爱的老爸!”

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Breakthrough Emotional Numbness

Can you remember the last time you cried out loud? Cry is different from shed tears or sobbing. If you do not know what crying is, look at the upset little kids. Can you even recall the last time you cried? Do you perceive that only weak creature would cry but not strong or grown up people like you? Do you think cry = bad/negative/unloving/vulnerable or all other negative words that you could think of?

I always complain about the people who like to complain. I have couple friends whom like to complain about almost EVERYTHING. When they do not have something, they complained. When they finally have it, they STILL complain. They made a decision, and they keep cursing and complaining about the decisions that they have made. They are the persons whom think they are the most pity persons in the world! I can’t stand these people, seriously can’t. The main reason is because I think they choose to look at the bad side of EVERYTHING. Their lives are sad.

However, does being optimistic means that one does not have the right to feel upset, sad, vulnerable or angry about something? A good friend of mine used to complain a lot. After knowing that I do not like this attitude, she changed. She changed to be “extremely” optimistic and even deal with sad or bad incident that happened to her, she still said, “I am ok. It’s nothing to upset about.”

I do not consider this as optimistic. I call this, denial. There is a different between optimistic and on denial. When certain things happened that really upset us or make us pain or sad, our brains tell us is ok but really our hearts do not feel it is all right at all. Our brain always tells us what the rational things to do and urge us to move forward ASAP while our hearts are not ready to do so yet. Eventually, we lose the chance to heal our pain and lost. When time passed by, our emotions then becoming numb. Following by that, we even forgot how to cry.
One of the reasons it is so delightful to be around little children is that they are so full of feeling. When they love you, they really feel the love. When they are happy to see you, they really feel the joy. Remember when we are children, we all had the ability to feel at full capacity. We do not hide the feelings or pretend nothing had happened. However when we grow up, we lose that ability to certain degree. Due to various kind of reasons like cultures teaching and norms of the society, we suppress our real feelings. When coping with life’s challenges, obstacles and disappointments, we gradually become numb to our emotions. By suppressing or numbing negative emotions, we gradually lose our ability to feel positive emotions. By not feeling sadness, anger, fear and sorrow, we also lose the ability to feel joy, gratitude, love and peace.

I am glad that I finally found my ability to cry again. I have been in the emotional numbness for awhile. Certain things that happened in my life, not really sad enough to make me cry but yet those are not happy things. I feel an important piece of me is missing and I am living life neither sad nor joy, but numb. I lost the ability to feel, to give, to love and being loved. Have you ever had the experience that you feel like crying but you have no tears and you just not able to do so? Perhaps my brain has been set default, telling myself “It is not a big deal” or “There is nothing to be upset or sad” “You will be fine”, or “Come on, don’t be a loser”. Just like the song, “Big girls don’t cry”.

Then, when I finally hit the bottom part and being triggered, I cried out loud. And, I feel so relief after that. Sometimes, being able to cry out loud is also a blessing. It opens my heart to be able to feel again. It gives me the ability to work on my issues and keep growing. I am glad that I finally am able to gain back the ability that I once had when I was a child. :)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Night


I like night time. The words that come across my mind when night time approaching are peaceful, quiet, cool, romantic, evil, dangerous and scary. There are big contrast among these words, and I realized.

I am very productive when I am able to feel the feeling of peaceful at night. I am able to write a good article, complete my assignments, explore my inner feelings, or simply stay bright while tasting the feeling of joy. The cool air at night time can refresh my tired brain and body that have been busy for whole day. The quiet environment however, let me able to involve a lot of thinking and simply relax.

And when I am with my love one, night time is the time that I can feel the real romance. If you know the real meaning of romance, you know it is not just about sex. The romance that I refer here, is the moment that I can look into his eyes and feel our hearts and souls are so close to each other. The romance that I am talking about here, is the moment that I can hold his hands and talk about our dreams, our thoughts and even our future.

However if you spend the night time with some random people, then the night could turn out to be very different. Few years ago, I was innocent enough to believe that friendship could be very pure and not involving evil intent or motive. That was because I have a very good male friend and we were both sure that nothing would ever happen even we both being locked up in a room overnight. Not until lately, when a few of my male friends telling me that a man and a woman really should not spend time together during night time, if they were not in a relationship. This is because men would have the "need", especially the "experienced" men.

Then I started thinking, was I too innocent back then? Or perhaps my good friend that I was talking about was (is?) still virgin and therefore we both have that innocent belief? I am not sure whether he has had the experience now and if he does, I hope he will be able to give me an answer. That is the reason why I am relating night time with the words like evil and dangerous. There are times when I kept wondering why people always like to think "bad" when a man and a woman spend time in a room at night time. Now I understand the reason behind because there really have the high possibility that something might happened.

Then comes to the word scary. I remembered few years ago, I could not stand scary movies. I am afraid of spirit, ghost and other extraordinary stories and movies. If I happened to watch any scary movies or read or heard any scary stories, I would be very paranoid during night time. I would be very afraind of going to toilet and scare to look at the mirror at night. However, the real scary thing that I am referring is not that. Night time can turn out to be scary and painful for a person who just broke up.

I have a nice talk last week to a friend whom just broke up. We were sharing the painful feeling aftermath a painful broke up. I really longed the feeling of girls' talks since I hardly have any close friends here. We both agree that night time can make people more vulnerable when we are facing certain obstacles in life, like losing a love one. The level of anxiety is rising when we are alone at night. The person who used to be beside her is gone and she has to deal with the loneliness alone. That could be really painful.

It is 2.07am now. I hope I can sleep soundly tonight. Good night, Mr Moon.


Saturday, May 30, 2009

Alone vs Lonely

Many years ago, I told a good friend of mine, "I feel lonely." He said, "You are alone, but not lonely. There is a huge different between two. You can feel aloneness, but never feel loneliness."

I guess he was right. Aloneless is simply being without anyone or anything else. Loneliness however, refer to dejected by the awareness of being alone. I was alone, but then started feeling lonely. The feeling of loneliness is anxiety provoking. Then I realized, I started scare of being alone...

As Dr Bacon mentioned in my class, everybody has his or her own "default way" to deal with anxiety and depress feelings. What is my "default way" to deal with my anxiety of being alone and lonely? Drinking? Shopping? I guess my default way scares myself a little bit.

Perhaps it's time for me to find a better way and healthier way to deal with my anxiety.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Pay for my thoughtlessness

I got a ticket today, just because I forgot today is Friday and I am suppose to park my car off the street from 8am to 12pm.

This is the law that "specially dedicated" to all Californian. There is a day in a week that has been chosen as "street cleaning day" and in certain hours, all the cars must off the street. Perhaps I was too lucky that there was always somebody helping me move my car on Friday morning. Not today though. Therefore ended up I had a ticket for $58. My mind started picturing certain things that I wanted to buy is flying away...

I have been so generous to the California state lately. I just "donate" about $500 few months ago for my "running red light's" ticket and now came another one. Yes, my heart is aching! 500USD can really buy me a lot of goodies. I haven't shopping for months but I am giving away my "sweat and blood" within seconds, for a stupid reason.

No more shopping, no more movies, no more dine out, Zoe!

Sigh!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

My Map

A good friend of mine, Soo Lee, has posted the world map in her blog and filled the red color for those countries she has visited. I find this is interesting and I created my own map.

First of all, look at the world map. It "looks like" I have visited a lot of countries but God knows I only visited 5 in total! Not even been to Thailand and Indonesia that are so close to my home country. And now I am in USA. Still, I do not grab the chance to visit Mexico and Canada and other surrounded countries since USA alone is big enough for me to discover. She has visited 18 states but her world map looked not "as red as" mine. LOL! I am lucky that I have been to Beijing once and this map made me like visited the whole China. And I just visited 19 states in US but the map made me visited Alaska as well! It is interesting tho.


visited 5 states (2.22%)


visited 17 states (34%)


For those of you who like to travel and have travelled around, why not make your own map and tell yourself someday, you are going to fill every single space RED! (It is not too hard as long as you make Russia, China, USA, India and Canada part of your travelling destinations. LOL)

P/S: I forgot to provide the website earlier on. Here is the place to visit to create your own map: http://douweosinga.com/projects/visited Thanks Hoay Ming for reminding me.

Different Perspectives

I was in the restroom five minutes ago. As I was "doing my business", I read a notice sticked at the door saying "Ladis, Please do not turn off the fan. Thank you very much. :) "

The first thing I noticed, the word "ladies" was spelled incorrectly. The next thing came into my mind was "Hmmm... It is amazing that the writer get the rest of the words spelled correctly." Right after this thinking came into my mind, I was amaze by myself. I am saying this because I used to think "How could he or she got such an easy word spelled wrongly?" However, after I take a step back and look at things from different perspective, I then realized it can make a whole lot of difference.

Then I recall a story of "a black dot in a piece of white paper" told by my teacher when I was 11 years old. You might have heard this story before. One day, my teacher hold a piece of white paper with a little black dot in the middle of it and asked us what we saw. The whole class gave the same answer "A black dot." My teacher then said, "It seems like is a human nature that we tend to look the negative side of a thing rather than the positive side. None of you mentioned the white space in this paper but everybody just noticed the tiny black dot in this paper. Just like we tend to not appreciate a person's good part and take it for granted but always remember the imperfect part of that person."

Therefore I said I am impress by myself. I know I am a bit odd that a notice could make me think that much. I was not sacarstic but really impress when I see the rest of the words spelled correctly. The feeling is good when we know how to look at the good side of a thing and appreciate it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

A trip to San Diego (Part 2)

Hey guys! I know, I know, I know. I took way too long to update the photos for San Diego trip as I promised. That was because I need to get the inform consent from the photographer in order to cover my bud so that I am free from copyright infringement. (Just kidding. He is nice enough to let me show his works here.) The truth is, there are too many nice pictures and I have hard time screening all 200++ of them. Anyway, here we go again:

I like this picture because it does not look real. Sounds odd? Hmm.. I think this looks like it has been edited by using photoshop, cut and paste my image in the middle of flower field.


Another amazing picture. It is simply a good shot by showing the little path among the flowers. I love the zooming of this photo as the flowers were a little blur. It looks like the path was the main subject of this particular picture, but not the flowers.

Compare to the above pic, which one you like better?



I need to write something about this Sweet Pea Maze. It was a funny and embarassing experience. I saw a lot of people were playing this maze and I asked my friend to come along. For the first 15seconds after we entered the maze, I started complaining of how easy this maze was because it only has one path to follow. I thought this maze existed to cheat the little kid. After I finished my sentence, there were 3 split lanes appeared in front of us. My friend laughed out loud and said I made conclusion too early. He was right because we used approximately 15-20minutes to get out from this little maze. He couldn't stop teasing me. We took different paths from there and I lost for quite awhile. I looked at the exit, it was so near and yet so far away. Everytime when I thought I was moving towards the exit, I was actually reaching another dead end and kept going back to the same spot. Embarass and yet fun!
Yellow flowers and the blue sky!


Look at the rainbow colors and the busy crowd.

It was a beautiful blue sky holiday.
My friend is really good in taking close-up pics of flowers. Let me show you some of his amazing works.




Masterpiece! How amazing when one could capture this moment. The bees would not stand still and let you take your own sweet time to take their pic. He is really skillful. I would like to give him credit here. Thanks "Uncle Tom"! These photos shown were all taken by him. My camera was not good enough to take all these amazing pics. Or perhaps I should say I am not skillful enough? hehe! I am now looking forward for this Friday trip to Six Flags! Yes, Six Flags Magic Mountain in Southern California.
Cheers!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

给妈妈的一封信

母亲节就落在这个星期天,相信大家都知道了,我很好奇大家将会怎么度过这个日子。

在好多好多年以前,一位年仅12岁的美国小女孩 Anna Jarvis 在无意中听见自己的妈妈在星期天的礼拜课堂上透露自己的意愿:希望在一年当中的某一天能献给全天下的母亲,作为纪念与感怀她们所付出的一切。 当母亲在1905年过世时,Anna 开始了一连串的运动,希望能实现母亲生前的愿望。她写了不少的信件给政治人物、企业家以及宗教领导人物,终于在1914年,当时的美国总统Woodrow Wilson 宣布五月的第二个星期天为母亲节。

在母亲节越来越被商业化的今天,虽然各大媒体的一些笔者“偶尔”也呼吁大家不该忘了母亲节的本意,可是各行各业都争相在这个日子里刊登或播出各式各样的广告,“呼吁”大家在这个特别的日子为母亲“献上爱,献上关怀”。当然他们所谓的“爱与关怀”,就是希望你花钱消费。媒体的力量很多时候真的不能忽视,在这种种的呼声下,如果你在母亲节没有任何的“表示”,好像就是“不孝”或“没有母亲的心”的象征。所以在母亲节送礼,或请母亲吃饭似乎已成了“孝亲敬老”的文化之一。

然后,我看见了一篇由Louisa Taylor 写的文章(原文见此http://www2.canada.com/vancouversun/news/story.html?id=c942370c-cdbb-43b2-af59-71ad4b546854)。她说与其在这样的日子“商业化”地庆祝母亲节,不如写一封信,告诉母亲心里的话,好好地在这个日子感念她为你所付出的,母亲会更感动。我个人觉得非常有意思。我可以开车出去选一件礼物,那可能会花半小时的时间和一些钱。我也可以坐下来,慢慢回忆过去的岁月,母亲究竟为我付出了多少,然后将心里的感激与感动,化成文字,真心地对妈妈说声“谢谢你”,那不需要花钱,可是却可能费了我好半天,甚至一整天的时间去回忆,然后一一用文字记录下来。我不知道妈妈会更喜欢我怎么做,可是我觉得后者真的会让我真心地度过原来的母亲节真正的涵义。所以,我决定给妈妈写一封信。

妈咪,

好久没有看见你了,最近的你是胖了还是瘦了?那天和你通过电话,听见你落寞的声音,心里好心疼。知道家里发生了点事,在你需要别人的支持的时候,你唯一的女儿却又不在身边,心里面的无助,真不知道要怎么做才能扫除你心里的阴霾。

我知道最近我不像以前那么常打电话回家,原因不是不想,只是生活圈子的不同,有时没有太多的话题。但是心的距离始终没有拉远过,我觉得你会相信这一点。在这片遥远的国土上,我用着你辛辛苦苦储蓄,连自己都舍不得花的钱在这里继续追逐我的梦。我从来就知道,没有你的支持,没有你的鼓励,在人生的很多路上,我会坚持不下去的。

在望着你的相片,想着你的脸庞的同时,我的思绪飘到了十几年前的岁月。身为家中的长女,我知道你对我的期望高,而你对我的栽培与付出,更是比起两个弟弟来得多太多了。我记得在我5岁第一次上幼儿园的时候,由于你得上班而得将我寄放在婆婆家,当时的我是个光着脚丫子四处乱跑的野丫头,从来不认真做功课。我人生的第一次成绩放榜,竟然是全班倒数第二名。当时你吓傻了,而我则根本不放在心上。然后你开始督促我的功课,严厉的程度虽然有时让人心惊,但回头想想,如果不如此,我今天又会成为一个怎样的人?我记得我曾经开玩笑地说如果没有你,我早就成为流浪街头卖身的堕落女,我其实真的这样想。我不会忘记每当考卷分发回来时,你比任何人都要紧张的样子。我更会记得,你将我的成绩由全班的最后第二,在我幼儿园毕业前直拉上了全班的第二名的奇迹。

上了小学一年级时,你更是兢兢业业地检查我的每一样功课,考试时主动出考题。那时家里好穷,穷得米缸都见底了。所谓贫穷夫妻百事哀,在这样的环境下,你依然坚持在家用心督促我们,依然相信教育是唯一的出路。在为着柴米油盐烦恼的时刻,你始终没有放弃我们,反而更积极教育、爱护我们。后来长大后,我常在回想,当时是怎样的一股力量这样支撑着你,让你如此一个娇弱的女人撑起摇摇欲坠的家。再想想自己,我不认为我有这样的本事。

我想我最常想起你,是在每一次的大众演说之后。每当大家的赞美声萦绕在耳边时,我总会想起你当年对我不遗余力的训练。1996年,你在我马来语演讲比赛决赛时染上水痘。在身体非常不舒服的状态下,你依然坚持出席那场决赛。由于害怕水痘传染,你远远避开人群,在遥远的一角用那双比任何人都专注的眼神望着台上的我。妈咪,你知道吗,你那双眼在望着台上的我的专注,到今天一直都没变过。而那眼神所传达的关心和力量,更是超乎你所能想象的。她能让我慌乱的心安定下来,她能让我的自信飙升,她让我知道,我是最棒的。我更不会忘记,在我捧杯的霎那,那双眼忍不住流下了泪水。你那涨红的脸,兴奋不敢置信的表情,现在都历历在目。幸而,那眼泪是喜极而泣。所以,一直到今天,当我听见给我的掌声,我心里知道,那是给你的。

有句俗话:“养儿一百岁,常忧九十九”,这句话一点也不夸张。如今的我长大成人,你依然挂心。每每在和你通过电话后,心里总是承载着满满的感动。我不会忘记你在机场时决堤的泪水,一再重复着:“你一定要活得快乐,知道吗?”因为这句话,我再坚强的心,再坚固的防备,也被瓦解了,带着感动的泪水转身入闸,决堤的泪水在飞机上还是止不住。现在回想,心里还是暖暖酸酸的。我的健康,我的生活,甚至我的心情,你都挂怀,不论我现在多大。

妈咪,我真的很想在这个日子里好好地、紧紧地拥抱你哦!多少的日子我是那么地想念你,我想念你煮的菜、想念被我作弄的你发狂的样子、想念你“哈哈”的笑声、想念你害羞的样子、心疼你委屈的泪水、难过你眉头深锁的样子。我一个人来到公园,微笑地望着母亲为孩子忙碌的一幕幕,心绪飘到了遥远的一方,想着此刻的你在做些什么?也想起了儿时的一些画面。我看见孩子们吵着母亲买玩具的一幕,想起当时贫穷的环境下,你依然满足我虚荣的心,买些非必要的玩具给我。现在长大的我可以明白,那些非必要的东西,能让你放弃你心爱的一些衣服、饰品,甚至是生活的一些必需品。

在远离他乡的日子里,我对你的爱更深刻了。尤其看见别人的天伦之乐,更加深我对你的思念。我喜欢挽着你的手和你一起逛街、买菜,我想念赖在你房间的时刻,和你谈天说地,畅谈女人心事,如果小弟进来打扰必定将他踢出去。然后轻轻帮你按摩手脚,直到你入睡后,在你头额轻轻一吻才闭门离去。此刻,好想再怎么做,那种心贴着心的感觉,是只有亲子之间才有的。

我常常在感激上天,到目前为止祂给我最珍贵的礼物,就是你,和你所赐予我的一切。很想很想对你说这句打从心里最深处的一句话:“我爱你,很爱很爱你”。

母亲节快乐。一定要快乐哦!

很爱很爱你的女儿,
珍瑛


—————————————————————————


后记:

完成这封信比我预期的时间要长好多。原以为一天能完成,谁知竟用了好几天。我在星期二开始写,直到今天(加州时间星期六下午2.20)才完成。幸好能赶在母亲节送上。我独自在一家日本咖啡厅完成这封信,写着写着,眼泪竟然流不停。(幸好大家都忙碌于各自的事,没人看见我的窘态。)然后明白,距离是无法隔阂以及冲淡我和母亲之间超过“血浓于水”的感情。

完成后,更能明白Louisa Taylor 说给母亲写封信的用意。因为我心里是满满的感动,而那感动是无法一一化为文字的,或许是我中文造诣不够好。也因为在写信的过程中,许多温馨的画面都浮现脑海。对母亲说的“我爱你”,更是真正从心里深处最深的感动所说出的。所以,今年的我虽然不在母亲身边,但是我觉得我比起往年在她身边时过得更合乎母亲节原有的意义。妈咪,我希望你能感受到千里之外我对你的思念和爱。也希望全天下的母亲:


母亲节快乐!

Monday, April 27, 2009

A trip to San Diego (Part 1)

My original plan when I first stepped in the US was travelling around for a year and then go back home, find a job and continue my life back there. And I did travel to some places when I was still in New Jersey. However, ever since I decided to pursue my master degree here in California, I hardly go anywhere. The reason is simple, I need to SURVIVE, not simply enjoying life. My daily routine is basically go to work in the morning and then go to school at night time. When there have certain nights I do not need to go to school, I go to yoga class. Simple life, yet quite fulfilling.
I have been crazily busy for the past few weeks when I need to complete my final papers, final exam and presentation. Taking 3 subjects in a semester is not really an overly heavy burden, but it can drive people crazy when come to the end of semester, when all final papers due at once. I am glad I made it, at least I am still alive and carry on with my life here ^_^
As I mentioned earlier, ever since I am here in California, I hardly go anywhere but Hollywood, Universal Studio, Six Flags and... that's it! Nevertheless, I am lucky enough to have a friend offered to take me to San Diego, a place where I always want to go. Finally, I was there last Saturday.

I always see the beautiful pictures of flower fields in the magazine, newspaper and books but I never see them with my own eyes. Guess what? I did it last Saturday. When I arrived a place called Carlsbad Ranch, I almost forgot to breath. Yes, the beauty of nature sometimes could be breath taking. I can't believe I am finally able to see the flower field present right in front of me, with the rainbow color in bloom. Here we go:







I particularly like this statue, with no specific reason. Then I would like to present to you another beautiful beach in California.


I went to the old town in San Diego, a beautiful history district. I was too busy browsing those unique shops and stuff until totally forgot about taking pictures. Therefore if I ever have chance to go back there again then I might take some. My friend has taken more pictures of those flowers and most of the close-up photos are fantastic and professional. I would show you those amazing pics when he gives me the copies. By then, see ya!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

故事:别人都说我们会分开

我好喜欢夜晚,自己一个人的夜晚。当天地万物都在沉沉地睡着时,唯独我醒着,真有种“众人皆醉我独醒”的感觉。然后听着虫鸣声,别人酣睡的呼噜声,心里总不由自主地升起一种祥和宁静的感觉。我享受这种感觉,甚至深深沉醉其中……

小时候的我就是个夜猫子。我记得我那大弟有早睡早起的习惯,妈妈曾常常拿他和我比较,说我怎么那么不听话,要我也早点休息,可我就是做不到。几个小时前的我刚刚完成了我的学期考试,心情非常的轻松,早三个小时前也开始感到倦意,可就是无法入睡。我不知道是咖啡因作祟,还是生理闹钟在闹别扭。反正现在的时钟时针指着两点正,而我还是醒着的。

这两天天气转热了,好像夏天已经来临了。那炎炎的热气,真让人有点受不了。无法入睡的我捧着手提电脑来到我鲜少来的客厅,阵阵的凉意让我精神一爽。想起最近忙着考试,忙着功课,好久都没有写些什么,此刻不禁手痒。

一个人的寂静显得有些寂寞,于是我就播放些歌曲,正在播放的是当初还是“无印良品”的组合唱的这首“别人都说我们会分开”,我脑海里突然浮现这么一段感情故事-- 当两个极相爱的人在某一天,其中一个伴侣变了心,可他选择隐瞒另一半,在开始另一段感情的同时,继续给予那另一半假希望,原因是:“我没有办法伤害他。”


是吗?真的是这样吗?无印良品唱得好,


别人都说
我们迟早会分开
我还一心一意的找你回来
别人都说
你的心早已不在
原来未来你已经有了安排


别人都说
你害怕对我坦白
只是现在我受更多伤害
犹豫着应该重来
还是让你离开
有时候想想,这样的举动真的是为他人着想吗?真的是“慈悲”的“不忍伤害”吗?我看过别人决裂的分手片断,可这样有时不是反而更好吗?既然知道不是你,那我就放你走,让你找到真正属于你的幸福,也还自己一片海阔天空。真相或许伤人,总是比隐瞒、背叛来得强吧?拖泥带水、藕断丝连的处理方法很多时候到了最后是丑陋的,是更残忍的。

我不知道为何今晚会睡不着,我不知道为何今晚会写出这么一篇故事来。或许歌词的意境使然吧!

三点十分了,该睡了。过了星期四,我的一个学期又结束了。我是既期待课业完成后的轻松,又怕接踵而来的空虚寂寞,真是矛盾呀……

Saturday, April 11, 2009

我永远的猪小弟

我在听着许志安的“我还能爱谁”,心里浮现的人影不是情人,而是我那小我八岁的小弟弟。我手撑着下巴,遥望着远方,听得痴了……




我记得我第一次回马的某个晚上,猪小弟很兴奋地说:“姐,姐,我唱歌给你听!”我意兴阑珊,不是很有兴趣地说:“随便啦,好啦好啦!”然后耳边开始响起柔和的钢琴声,然后他低哑的声音开始唱着……那一刻,我记得我心情是震撼的。我没想过他竟能把这首歌唱得这么棒。比起许志安细腻的声线,他的唱腔却是另一种味道。是那种低沉、浑厚,以及不符合他年龄的沧桑。我记得我很捧场地大声拍掌,可是决不夸张,他真的唱得很好。

因为时差的关系,也因为彼此都为各自的生活而忙碌,我好久没机会和他说话。一直到昨晚,我终于有机会和他联络上,也整整谈了两个小时。是的,我们总有谈不完的话题,我们就是有那么深厚的感情。放下电话后,我躺在床上等着入睡。脑海里却突然浮现多年前发生的一件事。

我很爱烘焙,我记得那年的我第一次做成了美丽的水果蛋糕,心里很高兴。而我小弟也永远是对我的烘焙成果最捧场的那一位。他刚从外头回来,看着那水果蛋糕,然后不知道怎的,竟然把整个蛋糕底朝天的打翻在地!想当然耳,我确实发疯了!我想我发疯时绝对是恐怖的。我无法接受这事实,开始大吵大闹,恶狠狠地乱骂。低下头看着一整个下午的心血就这样没了,我忍不住哭了,然后跑上楼关上门。

过了一会,我就去洗澡。而当我洗完澡回到房间时,看见桌上躺着一张纸,纸上歪歪斜斜地写着道歉的话。详细的内容我无法记起,只知道那封道歉的信写得好真诚,好难过。我看完后的心情,是深深的内疚。我内疚自己为什么要那么骂他,那只是一场意外。当我下楼打开冰箱时,我竟然看见那蛋糕尝试以完美的姿态呈现在我面前。我知道是小弟努力修补的结果,我记得我当时的眼眶红了,心里的内疚更是加倍!

他就是有本事令人那么感动,这只是这些年来和他相处的一段小插曲而已。

我记得我们都喜欢彼此的陪伴,常常彻夜不眠地谈天说地、傍晚时分一起在稻田边骑脚踏车、手拿麦克风唱着情歌、看他上台做司仪、呈现相声、演讲、看他跆拳道和人对打,想起他腼腆的笑容、想起他发疯的样子、难过流泪的样子,在这些年来,我已经错过了……那曾经在我怀里小小胖胖的身子,如今也已经变成了比我高个个头的壮硕躯体了。他已经开始驾车了,他已经长大了。

他一直都是个成熟的小孩,脑里总装着与他年龄不符的思想。在我还在马来西亚时,无论他多么成熟,他毕竟是家里最小的小孩,很多时候可以无忧无虑的游戏人间,凡事都不必管太多。家里老幺总是有这样的特权。

偶然间的某一天,我在他的部落格看见他一年多以前写的这样的一篇文章:

明天姐姐就回来了!爽死了!
唉...一年没看到她了真的好想念她哦~
明天早上就要去机场接姐姐回来了...开心...
有点对不起她...
还记得姐姐在临走之前曾告诉过我,
ZhuBi~姐姐要走咯...姐姐不在的日子要好好照顾妈咪哦~
一年后,我要看到我的ZhuBi成为一个顶天立地的男子汉!!!


两年多以前当我毅然决定远离家乡,踏上遥远的另一片国土,临行前最放不下的就是年纪渐渐大的老父老母,在我临入闸的那一刻,依稀记得我曾经对两位弟弟说过这样的话。没想到的是,我的记忆已经模糊,可这句话却已深深烙印在小弟的心上。而从那一刻开始,他真的开始负起照顾家里的责任,在他那小小的肩膀上开始扛上原本不属于他的责任。

猪小弟啊,你说你心疼我,那才是我想要对你说的话。这些年辛苦你了,原本就成熟的你如今更是让我心疼你的懂事。谢谢你照顾家里的一切,谢谢你揽上这责任。多少的日子里我常常会想起你,想起你赖在我房间不肯回房睡觉的情景、想起我已经进入睡眠状态了你还在喋喋不休说着你的故事,直到我完全没有反应了,你就拉了张薄薄的床垫铺在我的床旁的地上陪我入睡。我知道我们相处的时间太短了,你想珍惜每分每秒,而这些感动一直都在我心里,时不时被勾起的回忆。

你真的长大了,但是就像你说的:“姐,我还是你永远的猪小弟。”

是的,我永远的猪小弟,睡吧。希望梦里的你能暂时卸下肩头的重担,甜甜地回到童年的美丽。




Sunday, April 5, 2009

痒痒痒!

我想今年的我在健康方面有点流年不利,鲜少生病的我在马来西亚小病了一阵,回来加州后就大病一场,病了整整2-3星期。然后现在手脚莫名其妙长出红色的斑点,而且奇痒无比,从昨晚就没睡好,一直都在抓痒,像极了猴子。

越抓越痒,越痒越痛。唉!该不该去看医生呢?可我真的讨厌看医生也!


还在挣扎着……

Thursday, April 2, 2009

梦中情缘

(点击,放大此图)

我好喜欢主题背景的这幅画,好梦幻,仿佛我曾经在梦里这样做过。

梦里,我徜徉在清澈蔚蓝的海洋,远离繁华尘世的扰攘。

梦里,没有刺眼的阳光,只有柔柔的光线透过云层洒在脸上。

梦里,耳边听不见熙熙攘攘的喧闹声,只有水波微澜的独特声音,以及自己的心跳声。

梦里,海水承载着不轻不重的身子,敞开的胸怀仿佛可以容纳天地万物。

梦里,柔和的脸庞是那么地单纯,不需要任何武装,不需要任何面具,不需要防备他人,不需要刻意保护自己。

梦里,浮在水面的身子,随着微风、随着波澜轻轻飘荡,没有刻意地选择方向。

梦里,连天上的鸟儿都被毫不设防的脸庞渐渐吸引,好奇的小东西不禁想要探个究竟。

梦里,伸出的柔荑探向天际,仿佛在拥抱大海的同时也想轻轻探索属于天空的自由。

梦里,万籁俱寂,处在远处的青山像个守护神,隔开外界的纷扰,安静地微笑地守护着这祥和的一幕。

梦里,我不愿睁开眼睛,只想留住这短暂的幸福……
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