Breakthrough Emotional Numbness

Can you remember the last time you cried out loud? Cry is different from shed tears or sobbing. If you do not know what crying is, look at the upset little kids. Can you even recall the last time you cried? Do you perceive that only weak creature would cry but not strong or grown up people like you? Do you think cry = bad/negative/unloving/vulnerable or all other negative words that you could think of?

I always complain about the people who like to complain. I have couple friends whom like to complain about almost EVERYTHING. When they do not have something, they complained. When they finally have it, they STILL complain. They made a decision, and they keep cursing and complaining about the decisions that they have made. They are the persons whom think they are the most pity persons in the world! I can’t stand these people, seriously can’t. The main reason is because I think they choose to look at the bad side of EVERYTHING. Their lives are sad.

However, does being optimistic means that one does not have the right to feel upset, sad, vulnerable or angry about something? A good friend of mine used to complain a lot. After knowing that I do not like this attitude, she changed. She changed to be “extremely” optimistic and even deal with sad or bad incident that happened to her, she still said, “I am ok. It’s nothing to upset about.”

I do not consider this as optimistic. I call this, denial. There is a different between optimistic and on denial. When certain things happened that really upset us or make us pain or sad, our brains tell us is ok but really our hearts do not feel it is all right at all. Our brain always tells us what the rational things to do and urge us to move forward ASAP while our hearts are not ready to do so yet. Eventually, we lose the chance to heal our pain and lost. When time passed by, our emotions then becoming numb. Following by that, we even forgot how to cry.
One of the reasons it is so delightful to be around little children is that they are so full of feeling. When they love you, they really feel the love. When they are happy to see you, they really feel the joy. Remember when we are children, we all had the ability to feel at full capacity. We do not hide the feelings or pretend nothing had happened. However when we grow up, we lose that ability to certain degree. Due to various kind of reasons like cultures teaching and norms of the society, we suppress our real feelings. When coping with life’s challenges, obstacles and disappointments, we gradually become numb to our emotions. By suppressing or numbing negative emotions, we gradually lose our ability to feel positive emotions. By not feeling sadness, anger, fear and sorrow, we also lose the ability to feel joy, gratitude, love and peace.

I am glad that I finally found my ability to cry again. I have been in the emotional numbness for awhile. Certain things that happened in my life, not really sad enough to make me cry but yet those are not happy things. I feel an important piece of me is missing and I am living life neither sad nor joy, but numb. I lost the ability to feel, to give, to love and being loved. Have you ever had the experience that you feel like crying but you have no tears and you just not able to do so? Perhaps my brain has been set default, telling myself “It is not a big deal” or “There is nothing to be upset or sad” “You will be fine”, or “Come on, don’t be a loser”. Just like the song, “Big girls don’t cry”.

Then, when I finally hit the bottom part and being triggered, I cried out loud. And, I feel so relief after that. Sometimes, being able to cry out loud is also a blessing. It opens my heart to be able to feel again. It gives me the ability to work on my issues and keep growing. I am glad that I finally am able to gain back the ability that I once had when I was a child. :)