Thursday, February 25, 2010


I was standing at a corner of the walkway watching the students playing on the playground during recess time. This is part of my job, playground observation for those students that I am currently seeing. As I was observing one of the students, my mind suddenly got distracted by the memory of my childhood. I saw a group of boys playing with basketball, a group of girls playing with ropes and another group playing monkey game. I tried to search in my memories whether I have played these games everyday when I was at school like they do. Unfortunately, I couldn't recall anything about myself having fun at the playground. Then I started wondering, was it because the children in Malaysia don't really have fun time like this or just me didn't have the chance to play like them? And the answer is the later.

I remember during recess time while all my friends having fun outside the classroom, this is the time I needed to go to see my teacher to practice my public speaking. I always represented my school to participate the state level public speaking competitions (both Chinese and Malay languages) since I was 10 years old. For those of you who ever visited my house, all the trophies that sitting on the rack are the evidence of me not having regular fun time like any other children.

During the time when the competition season was over, I still did not have the chance to play like other kids do because I was on duty since I was the prefect at school. My entire school life, I was always on duty for either the prefect of the school or the monitor of my class. Worse still, I was the assistant head of the prefect for my final primary school year and I was the Head of the Board of Discipline for my final high school year. I was also the Girl Guide and the president for Chinese Society. I had a damn serious life!

When I think back, I notice that I have always been living my life upon somebody elses' expectations; my parents, my teachers and the people around me who cares. I went to the convent school that my mom asked me to; I participated in hundreds of competitions that my mom and my teacher told me to; I hold various important positions that people expected me to; and I barely asked myself what I really wanted in my life.

Have I ever lived my own live for myself? Have I ever asked myself what I like and don't? No, not until I decided to fly to US.

Ironically, I was inspired by my little brother who is 8 years younger than me. When he graduated from primary school, he told my mom that he wanted to go to a private school instead of following my mom's will. From that moment on, I realized that I can say "No", I realized that I can make my own choices for my own life.

Coming to US is a huge decision that I have made for myself. None of my family members supported me and I persuaded them. This is the first step that I took to start pursuing what I want in life. Am I feeling good for that? Heck, ya!

I do not regret for having such a childhood although I missed a lot of fun that most kids have. When I am on the stage enjoying all the praising and applause that people gave me, I felt thankful to my mom and my teachers. I am standing where I am because of the childhood that I had. After all, nothing in this world is free. If you think I like to play and have fun around like a child, that's probably because I did not have enough fun when I was a kid. I guess that's the reason I love Disneyland and other themeparks so much.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

New Year's Gift - Transformer

It has been more than 2 weeks I didn't write anything. Life has been busy, especially when I have a temporary roommate with me and keep me accompanied almost all the time. Sometimes I even forgot it's time to take care of myself due to my busy schedule. While I was digging my cellphone in my handbag yesterday, I saw the 2 expired Angel tickets. I smiled for 2 seconds because some sweet memories have been awaken. Then I realized, it's time to throw them away since they are expired.

For some reason, I love this song a lot lately. I did not pay attention to this Singaporean singer, JJ, at the past. After listening to this song the other day, I started like his songs a lot. Then I realized I actually have 2 of his old albums in my iTune library. There are certain songs that will remind us of somebody, certain events or something. This song reminded me of Disneyland and the time I spent there. Probably it was because the last time I went there this song had been played repeatly.

New year is approaching. I always think if I need a reason to start some thing, new year, new month, new week, or even new day can be one. Among them all, of course new year is the most powerful one. I have been floating in the middle of the nowhere for quite awhile. I take responsibility for my own action and definitely accept the consequences of my action. I do not blame anybody or feel like a victim because that won't help. I guess I have hit the rock bottom and it's time to bounce back and becoming who I used to be. The feeling is good when I am able to finally make up my mind. I feel grounded, more confident and perhaps will become stronger as time goes by. What left now is to execute my decision.

This is the new year gift I give to myself - a transformer. I am transforming to a better self and I will not stop discovering the truth of joy.

Happy Tiger Year!! ^_^
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