I Hurt You, Because I Love You

I call a friend today and she was talking on and on about how much she is upset about a close friend. She told me that now she hates him, because of all the damage that has been done. She said, "I called him and I yelled at him. I asked him why is he doing all these to me! If there is somebody else, I won't care much and that's because it's him and that's why I am so upset."

I have heard this a lot of time. Of course it is normal that since this person is someone we care, then we are more emotionally involved with this person. It is interesting when we think of how much we have done the damage to someone we care, simply because "I love you". We do not yell or fight ugly to our friends, but we do this to our own lovers and dear family members. We are so caring, tolerate and respect those outsiders; but we are intrusive, impatient and throw our temper to our family, especially to our lovers.

We thought we can be "ourselves" in front of our partners so we can simply say what we want to say, without think twice what kind of damage the words could bring to our love ones. However, we would not do this to an outsider or a normal friend, because we do not want to upset the friend or we know he or she will not like it. We take extra cautions when dealing with an outsider, but we do whatever we want to the person we really care. We can easily forgive a normal friend, but probably will hate the one we used to love for the rest of our lives. Isn't it unbelievable how "logical" human beings are?

Sometimes human nature does not necessary means it's correct or beneficial for us. If whatever we do by default is harmful, we need to at least take the initiative to make a difference. I too, do hurt the persons that I love. Therefore I need to constantly remind myself and also have someone to continuosly reminding me not to do that. Allowing ourselves to improve one at a time is important. I would say do not being discourage by ourselves easily when we react by default. It is definitely not easy to change our attitude and behavior overnight but it does not mean it is not possible.

I am working on it. How about you?

Back Up Plan

I have to make a confession here: I went for a movie last night with my friend, which I should not because it's time to start my final clinical report. Well, it has been a long, long time since my last visit to the cinema that I could not even remember when. So God, forgive me for this one. (lol)

Well, nothing too great about this movie but some good laugh. One thing worth mentioning is that Jennifer Lopez's name in that movie is Zoe. What a beautiful name huh! Muahahaha... And, she is beautiful and sexy. I never take a good look at her before but after this movie, no doubt that she looks gorgeous!

This movie reminds me of my ex colleague from Canada. We study the same program, except for I am in Master level and he is in Doctorate level. We went out for a movie couple months ago, I believe it was January and the movie was Sherlock Holmes. That was the first time we went out and to me, it was a casual hanging-out with friend. However, it seems like he did not think the same. In the middle of the movie, he suddenly wanted to hold my hand. He could not find my hand but my finger. LOL! Luckily he didn't ask for a kiss at the end of the day. That makes it the last time we went out. There are times when I think people rush into a relationship too soon, just like what shown at the beginning of this movie.

Anyway, besides some feeling of guilty, it was a great night with some good food, romantic movie and a dear friend. Just a reminder for myself, "Time to get up and run, Zoe!"

You're perfect, because of your imperfection!

You are perfect, because of your imperfection. How beautiful! And consistent with my previous blog entry that talked about "conflict free" relationship. If I were to start searching for a "perfect" person to become my partner to "avoid conflict", I would say, "Don't bother, cause I'll never find one."

Dedicated to all the singles that hoping the perfect person to come.

Flowers for Me

While my mind is still remaining on early April, May is approaching. Today is Friday again and it's also the beginning of my school Spring break. I do not consider it as my Spring break because I will have to work more and need to start my Clinical Case Report (the "FINAL FINAL" that I mentioned in my earlier post). However, I would like to give myself a permission to take a "tiny-little-small-break" before I get up and run again.

April of 2010 was really an unrested month so far. I was both physically and mentally drained by continuous things happened so far. There is a Chinese saying, "The moon is not always round". Good things would not always happen, so do the bads.

Today is consider my good day. After harboring my final paper "On Gold Pond" for 3 days and 3 nights, I got the full credits for this paper today with a big word "Excellent work!" from my professor. I feel glad because my effort does pay off ^_^

On my way back home from work, I was thinking of want to have a relaxing Friday evening by just stay home and unwind. Then I thought of having some wine. Once I stepped into the supermarket, bouquets of flowers that they put on the entrance captured my attention immediately and the price was reasonable. I stopped for a few minutes and I walked inside, without taking any of them. However, my mind has been continuously thinking of their beautiful appearance.

Well, who said I can't get some flowers for myself? If I have to come up with a reason, how about getting full credit for my final paper? Sounds like a valid reason huh! Yea, I like this reason.

I remember a few weeks ago, I asked my co-worker what should I bought for my friend's father, when he was still in the hospital. My colleague said, flowers, to cheer him up. I am not sure whether those flowers had cheered him up. Nevertheless, these red daisies have definitely brought me joyful feelings and smile on my face.

A dear friend of mine told me lately, "Happiness can be really easy". Hey, I agree! Getting myself some flowers has cheered myself up.

Since we talk about happiness here, it reminds me of the conversations I have with some of my guy friends, "I broke up with my girl friend because I don't feel happy. What for to stay in a relationship if I am not happy."

Wow, who the heck told these guys "relationship guarantees happiness every single day"? It is obviously irrational to think that we will feel happy everyday after in a relationship. In addition, I realize there are so many people (including my ex bf) assume happy relationship should never have argument or disagreement. How could we expect there will be no conflict in any relationship? We accept the fact that the moon on the sky cannot always stay round, we accept the weather will change from warm to cold, we accept the sun will not always shining, and yet we expect to stay sweet with our partner everyday. How could that be?

I then learned the precious thing about a relationship is not the good time a couple spent together, but how they get through the tough time. The tough time I mean here, is how the couple handles the conflict between them. When my partner got discourage easily everytime after conflict occur, and said "we're over" so easily, I wonder how can I continue my journey with him for the rest of my life. What concerns me now however, is how is he going to find a partner to be with him for the rest of his life if he expect no conflict in relationship? Besides feeling worry for him, I would like to wish him all the best and really able to accept and get somebody to be with him and love him for the rest of his life.

As for now, I am going to enjoy my night with the beautiful daisies and the wine from Napa Valley. This wine is from Robert Mondavi winery, which I just visited on January. That is the reason I got this wine. Next time, I am going to get the 2006 instead of 2008. It has been awhile since I have red wine. I have been sticking to white for awhile. Tonight, I am just going to taste the red cabernet again, taste the good smell all the way from Napa!

Cheers for the good grade! Cheers for the new good month to come! Cheers for Friday!

Second Final

Finally, I am done with the second last semester and second last final paper. I feel half relief...

The reason I said half relief is because I still have a "FINAL FINAL" paper that due on May 31 and final Summer semester. And then I am OFFICIALLY DONE! I can't imagine how fast time past. This "final final" determines my "death or alive".

So, Ti Gong, Lou Tin Ye, whatever God up there, blessing me to be able to complete and then GRADUATE.

People keep assuming that I will feel extremely happy for all these things to be over, just like my other classmates. In fact, surprisingly I am not. This is because I know the next huge challenge will come to me very soon -- getting a job.

Again, My God, My Lord, bless me over for this as well, or even more. Please......

As of now, I will take a small break before start working on my FINAL FINAL.

On Golden Pond

I just finished watching this movie named "On Golden Pond". I chose the wrong location to watch this movie as I shed tears in the public. I would like to believe that no one saw me doing that or it was going to be real embarras. The reason I watched this movie was due to my final paper. We were required to write our final paper base on this movie and therefore I "forced" to watch it.

Perhaps education system in Malaysia led me believe that education materials must be very bored. This movie was chose by the "professors" and in addition, it was a movie produced back in 1981 and won 3 Oscars (You know how some people think that Oscars' winners movies are only for some freaks?). All of the above mentioned reasons gave me valid reason to believe that this movie must be very bored. I then chose to watch it in a public location in order to force myself not to fall asleep half way through.

Apparently, I found out I was so wrong after the first 5 minutes of this movie. It was entertaining, and most importantly, it was touching and left me with thoughts. There are some movies they will outdated after awhile, especially those Hollywood action movies that you can named of. No offence for all those action movies lovers, I love action movies too. I am sure 20 years later when you watched back, some of the special effects might seemed silly to us. However, some movies will stay in our hearts for long time and will not faded easily like those others.

The old Norman (starred by Henry Fonda) in this movie reminded me of my dad a little, and a dear friend of mine who doesn't know how to show his emotion, his care and his love. Henry Fonda is such a great actor that I do not feel he is acting at all. I can see how's Norman's age of 80 reminded him so much about dying and the physical challenge, as well as dementia have made him struggle in his late life. I really like this "old poop"! And of course, his lovely wife.

I am not good in turning this good movie into words here. I would like to highly recommended this movie to all of you who value good movies like I do. I do not even need to hang in there for a minute in this entire movie. It is simply great! If you ever got a chance to watch this movie, tell me how you feel and what you think about it :)

Live Like We're Dying

Recently I have been surrounded by the news of people dying. This again telling me how vulnerable human's live is.

I spent my entire spring break last week helping out at my dear friend's father's funeral. As I was sitting at a corner watching the whole ceremony of the wake and funeral, I have a lot of thoughts ran through my mind. Regardless whether their believes are true, I think all these ceremonies are necessary for the people who are alive. In other words, I think whatever they’ve done for the death are actually for the living people to mourn the death and it’s a different kind of grief work. Besides, all these ceremonies are helpful because they united all of the family members to stay together to give each other support. I can see the busy schedule of the ceremonies keep their mind occupied and then exhausted at the end of the day. Therefore instead of sinking into the thinking of losing the loved one and feeling sad and sorrow all the time, at least the belief that they are holding keep them continue their journey of life.

To me, after the funeral does not mean that we have done with the grief work. I think it is important for us to keep mourning the lost and continue the bereavement for awhile instead of rushing and telling ourselves everything is over now. However, I think it is important to switch gear for awhile to think of the people who still alive and how are we going to continue our own lives.

I do think most of the people have the tendency that never know the best thing or person is beside us until it's gone. We all learned "Treasure the one that right besides you", but how many of us really able to put this into practice in our real lives?

I would like to dedicate this song to each and everyone of you, including myself. Let's Live Like We're Dying!

Live Like We're Dying

Sometimes we fall down and can’t get back up
We’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough
How come we don’t say I love you enough
Till it’s to late, it’s not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won’t come
We could make a feast from these crumbs
And we’re all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you
What would you wish you would’ve done

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start pickin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbyes
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution
There’ll no one on the line

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start pickin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

Like we’re dying oh - like we’re dying [x2]

We only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live - like we’re dying

We never know a good thing till it’s gone
You never see a crash until it’s head on
All those people right when we’re dead wrong
You never know a good thing till it’s gone

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start livin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

Like we’re dying oh - like we’re dying [x2]

We only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying
Live like we’re dying
[Fade out]




So who is your love ones that you probably should say that you love them ASAP? Your beloved parents? Oh yes! Your dearest family members? Definitely! And, your lover? Never forget that, too :-)

RIP: See You In Your Next Life

I have been surrounded by a few of "not so good news" lately. These events have made me hit a new low in my life for the last week. I was not sure how to respond. It has been to the extend that I was almost numb. One of them was the chronic illness of the old father that I was living with. I just received the news that he has gone couple hours ago.

Again, I am not sure how to respond to news like this. He was admitted to the hospital a few days ago. Since then, I was not feeling good. We were not blood related in anyway. However living under the same roof for over a year made me likes this kind hearted old man. I was quite surprise how his situation has affected my life. My Malaysian friend from Ohio was planning to have a trip with me but I was not thinking of going at all. Another coworker was thinking of going to baseball game with me in LA and I rejected. Probably is because this family really treats me real good. I wrote an article about "My Second Family" last year about this family that I am living with. I think fate brought me to this family and I treasure it.


I felt helpless when I see the family because I wish there is something that I can offer to help them feel better but really, there is nothing much that I can do. To me, I will want somebody to be by my side when I am facing difficulties in life. He or she does not need to say much, by staying beside me and simply a warm hug will make me feel way better. However, I realize there are people who rather prefer staying alone during critical moment like this. Therefore I am not sure whether to have the mother and the son accompanied of just leave them alone.

Dear Mr __,

It has been nice knowing you although we hardly talk. Thank you for always helping me to move my car every Friday morning just to help me avoid getting tickets. I will not forget our last conversation that we had in room 215 about your life from China to Vietnam and then to US. I wish I could talk to you earlier and listen to your stories. I feel blessed that at least we have a chance to talk before you left.

It's really out of the sudden when I know that you've gone. I thought I heard some good news about you earlier on. I can see how sad your family is. I know you will do good, so as the people you leave behind.

Rest in peace. I will see you in your next life.