I dreamt that I was pregnant on Tuesday night. The dream was so vivid and real. When I woke up the next day, I still can remember it clearly. This made me curious and went online to search for the interpretation of this dream. I do not see dream as "fortune teller" or "psychic" that determine my future. I am a strong believer that we made our own future and luck. God might be there to provide us some opportunities in life but it is definitely depend on us to make things happen or to give things up. I do believe, however, that dreams sometimes appear to convey information, or a warning, in reference to the future.
Then I found this from this website http://www.dreamsleep.net/dreamsaboutbeingpregnant.html, which I think most accurately describing my current situation:
Psychological Meaning: Pregnancy Dream Meaning. The Pregnancy dream may represent your real fears about falling pregnant. Dreams are also often influenced by our bodies so are aware if there is a condition. However, in most instances dreams about pregnancies represent psychological conditions. For example perhaps you are awaiting something to happen in your life and have worries and fears about this - we speak of 'a pregnant pause' sometimes. Or maybe you hope to give birth to a new plan or are at the start of a new relationship .Pregnancy often represents new growth in your life and new opportunities.
I do have some thoughts and about to make it happen. I do afraid of the consequences of this plan and not sure whether I will be able to make it happen. I still remember in that dream, I felt uncomfortable. I remember clearly that the reason I wasn't feel comfortable was because I am not financially ready to raise the baby and my tummy was huge and about to give birth.
This is another interpretation that I found from another website http://www.dream-interpretation.org.uk/free-dream-interpretation-dictionary-p/dream-interpretation-pregnancy.htm:
For someone who does not wish to be pregnant indicates difficulties in life and a loss of control in events surrounding them.
I do feel that I am losing control of certain situations in my life now, especially when comes to relationship. Therefore I have to say, this dream interpretation is quite accurate! Then, what's next? Will I dream of the solution to my problem tonight? I do hope that I can dream of I happily give birth to the baby later on, indicating that I am able to work on my new plan successfully. Cheers!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
听……的艺术
一位朋友和我分享着他的看法，我有着不同的意见与想法。写着写着，觉得这是蛮有趣的课题，所以想在这里和大家分享。有任何意见的人，也欢迎留言加入讨论。
他写了这样的一封信给我，题目是“输……的艺术”：
越聪明的人，越在乎输赢，对错。（这个statement并不打算一竹竿打翻一船人）纯粹是个人感觉。刚刚和一些讲演会（讲演会[Toastmaster Club]，源自于美国，后来在不同国家以不同的语言但相同的系统成立许多分会，是个学习大众演说的地方）的朋友们吃饭。当中有位新会友在向另一个资深会友请教的同时，却不能接受那资深会友的意见，而争论得脸红耳赤，一副自己就是对的脸孔。我仿佛看见以前的自己，在看看身边同桌会友，好像都在默默摇着头，大多都不敢出声。我开始发现，在我们“在乎”对错输赢的同时，都没有绝对的“对”或绝对的“错”除非你是那课题里的权威。其实在这种情形他是“赢家”吗？他可能觉得他是赢了口舌之争，但我个人觉得，他是输了风度，更多时候可能会输掉一些朋友。
我和那资深会友一样，常常都会有人来请教一些讲演上的问题，但是我最不喜欢那种来请教的人，却只想听到一个答案，那就是…你认同他，赞赏他。但我发现，现在很多人都有这个通病，如果你不认同他，他就会不爽，哈哈。偏偏我的个性，就是仗义执言，不管他3721，照评，照砍。可能，我也因此输掉一些朋友。但是，现在我想通了，我会更细心的看看对方的需要，该输时，我会让。
譬如说，最近有位朋友，一段时间，生活上压力很大，当他问任何事时，感觉得出，他需要肯定。所以当他在诉说任何事时，可以让的（原则就不能让)，我都会让他“赢”不和他争论，我知道当时他要的是肯定。我也知道，他是个聪明人，事实上，在压力过后我们再谈起，我知道他已了解，当时的答案。 有时答案在某一些舒服的时刻出现，不是更美吗？相反的如果像与那资深会友（简称他为兔先生）争论的新会友（月先生），他需要的可能是当头棒喝，狠狠的让他学会“输”的感觉时，我会义无反顾的出手帮忙兔先生，而且毫无保留，绝对能让月先生完全没有争论的余地。也让他了解，大家都在“让”的同时，你也该学一学吧,也让他了解，赢…的背后，总会输掉一些东西的。如果他不了解我们善意的出发点，那他反而会是最大的输家。
写这篇文章时，我不知会不会让你觉得有自相矛盾的感觉，但是我觉得，输…对一个聪明人来说，是一门学问，是一种艺术，也是一个难度。当然，我不是在推崇是非颠倒，黑白不分，也没有觉得一定要做输家，才叫有风度。只是觉得在任何议题的讨论里，能融入一些双向的思想, 会来得舒服点。在慈济静思语里我认同两个观点，（i）理直气“和” ， （ii）聪明的人在乎输赢，有智慧的人在乎舍得。（我个人的理解是先舍后得）你呢？
好有见解的一篇文章，也激发了我脑中沉睡中的理性思考的部分。然后，我就写了封这样的回信：
很谢谢你这么快就写了篇这么长的文章给我。我是衷心感激 ^_^
我一向都认为，世上有太多事是处于灰色地带，没有对错或输赢。人生多了不同的历练后，眼光角度不同是自然的。你说很多事没有对与错，然后你强调输与赢。两者间看似有某种程度的不同，在一定的本质上却起了相似的作用。像xx的例子，我不知道你们讨论的课题是什么，可是不再重要。如果我和他有一定的相熟程度，我会指出他激动的表现。
人一旦被触动到某个“按钮”，脑中“reptilian”部分就会启动。（在此我想加以解释何谓“reptilian brain”。人脑中的一小部分（如下图）称为reptilian brain，这部分的脑就如同爬行动物的整个脑部。这部分的脑的主要功能是控制我们的呼吸、心跳以及基本警觉性，fight or flight mechanism 也控制于脑部的这个部分。fight or flight，简单的解释，当生物意识到一定的危险性，我们要不就反击，要不就逃跑）这时没有理智可言，他在乎的只是“自卫”，他没有办法接收新的讯息。所以此刻，再珍贵的意见，再温和的语气都起不了多大的作用，因为“自卫系统” (defense system) 已被启动。这时，我不会再去在乎讨论的内容是什么，也不会要自己去赞同自己根本不赞同的论点，我会开始探索他焦虑的感觉。
如果你回想，当时的月先生一定表现得很焦急（anxious），焦虑的人没办法理性思考了，这时没必要再和他理性争论。如果当时他焦虑的程度太过，我不会再谈，等到他的“自卫系统”歇息后，（而那可能要等个好几个小时甚至几天）我才会说：“那天我们谈论这个课题时，你好像很激动。”然后他的自卫系统可能又要被开启了，我会留心听他怎么说，试着倾听他想讲的话。Forget about what you want to say。 听他讲。如果你再回想，我相信当时没有人在“听”他讲话。或者该说，他不觉得他被倾听。
我遇见某些人，喜欢这样说：“ok, 你要讲什么你讲！” 然后B就开始发言。这时A的身体语言，很明显在压抑自己，把想讲的话吞回去，“耐心听” B讲话。你真的认为B感觉不到吗？B还是会觉得他不被倾听，然后A在很大的程度上也真的没有在“听”，他只是在等他发言的机会。然后当B停顿时，A会问：“讲完了吗？讲完了到我讲！” 我如果是B，我会听不进去A想讲什么。
我想说的是，如果你真的真的真的去“听”，你会听到背后的很多讯息。你不再被表面的讯息所蒙蔽或误导，你会得到意想不到的答案。所以我说:“Forget about what you want to say, listen!” 我发现讲演会在教人家怎么讲，还没有任何的学会或课程教人家怎么听。包括评论员，真正听的有几个？他们都在想，待会儿我要讲什么？当然，这是性质的不同，不能一概而言。现在的我，不太听得进道理，我在思考着为什么。
理直气和未必得到效果，当然舍与得就是佛家智慧了。我想我在乎的，是更深一层的理由，是“为什么”。佛家道理是真的很有道理，可是为什么不是人人接受？佛家道理是真的很有道理，可是为什么就算接受了，却没有几个实践？我更在乎的，是探讨人性。谢谢你的分享。
亲爱的读者们，你又怎么说？I am ready to listen ;)
Friday, January 15, 2010
Please help Haiti
The American Red Cross
www.redcross.org
Text "Haiti" to 90999 to donate $10 (billed to your phone)
The United Nations World Food Program
www.wfp.org
The Salvation Army
www.salvationarmyusa.org
Action Against Hunger
www.actionagainsthunger.org
Project HOPE
www.projecthope.org
Partners in Health
www.pih.org
www.redcross.org
Text "Haiti" to 90999 to donate $10 (billed to your phone)
The United Nations World Food Program
www.wfp.org
The Salvation Army
www.salvationarmyusa.org
Action Against Hunger
www.actionagainsthunger.org
Project HOPE
www.projecthope.org
Partners in Health
www.pih.org
Monday, January 11, 2010
Single vs. Couple
A guy friend told me, "It's sucks when you are sick and you are single." His comment reminded me of a girl friend that told me, "It's sucks when you are sick, you have boy friend, but there's no difference than you are single!"
Which one sounds worse to you? To me, definitely the second experience mentioned above. This girl friend of mine named Alice (nickname, to protect her identity). She told me there was once she was really sick and came back from work at night. She was thinking of asking her boy friend to go get medicine for her. They normally talked through MSN. That night however, her boy friend was so obsessed on computer game and didn't notice she needed him. She then called him and asked for his help.
"It is OK that he is obsessed with computer game if he doesn't know I am sick. The problem is, he knew that I was not feeling well a day before. Yet he didn't really care to ask me how I feel today when I came back home." The good thing is, once she made the call, her boy friend straight away said, "I am going to get that now." Alice wanted to go with him and once she got in the car, her boy friend laughed out loud as if watching comedy. She told me even until today, she still didn't know what he was laughing about. She said she couldn't help but started thinking of how her ex boyfriend would have treated her differently than this one. This thought plus her suffering from sickness made her started crying. Her boyfriend then turned to her and said, "Should you cry when you are sick?"
"I felt so disappointed and sad when I heard that. I didn't get the support from him when I needed him the most. I ended up feeling it's better if I went to get the medicine myself instead of counting on him." At this point, she started asking herself whether he is the right one for her. Instead of putting this into big fight, she chose to find support from other sources. She then went to have a sleep over at her friend's house the next day while her boy friend went to his friend's girl friend's birthday party. "I tried to put the thought that he doesn't care behind and therefore I never told him how I felt. And I thought I got the support that I want from friend. However when I recalled this right now, I still feel sad."
"He never wants to hold my hand when we went out. He even acted he didn't know me well in front of his family and friends. I feel sad for this, as if I am a worthless person. The saddest part was, when I tried to get close to him in front of the public, he would go away and avoided me. Sometimes I really think he only wanted to get close to me when he wanted to make love." She started crying when she said this.
This couple showed me the insecure bonding in their relationship. She was not able to reach out for him to ask what she wants when she needed. They are seperated now. Of course, I see a lot of options that can be done to improve this relationship. I am reading a book named "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. It is an extremely good and interesting book especially for those who are interested in knowing what love is all about and how to have a good, secure, loving relationship. I am reading it and I can see many possibilities of them patching back. It is not hopeless. However another thought came into my mind, "Is it worth to put so much effort to fix this relationship at this early stage?"
They were together for less than a year. She was not getting what she wants from the very beginning. A friend of mine told me before, "In dating stage, the guy should woo the girl if he wants her." I agree with what she said in this relationship. If only one party in the relationship is trying hard to make it work while the other just laid back or give up easily, I cannot see the point of continuing the relationship at this early stage. I was trying to utilize the skills that I have learned to help this couple to patch back but after my friend reminded me of that, I think maybe it's better for her to move on. As my friend said, "All the things mentioned in the book are good in helping married couples. But at this early stage, do you think it's worth to have the girl to put in so much effort?"
"I love him. I still do. I have the courage to say that even he never tell me his feeling to me. I cared a lot of his ex girl friend because he always tell me how much he suffering from her leaving but he never tell me how much he treasures or loves me. I guess I wasn't really jealous of his past relationship. Everybody has past, including me. What I want is his reassurance. I want to be able to feel his love and affection. I want to be unique to him. I didn't feel that when I was with him. He made his ex the most unique person when he was with me and I don't know why. He has her photos in his room even we have started our relationship and he put none of mine. And you know what he told me when I mentioned to him my concern? He said I am not a generous person." Well, I wish he is able to find a girl who is generous enough to accept all these.
"I was obsessing the ways to make this relationship work. There are times when I really feel like giving up but I told myself to hold on." She laugh and said, "You know what? I feel myself like a loser when he told me, 'I think it's better if we just be friends.' I thought I am the one that suppose to say this but ended up he told me this. I wanted to say this for a long time but I always tell myself to hold on. I wanted so much to make this relationship work. He even said I fall in love with a guy like him because I am "cheap" ('fan jin' in cantonese)." She cannot control her tear at this point. "Probably he was right. If you asked me what so good about him, I can't really tell you. But that's love isn't it? You have no reason and there's no logic sometimes when you fall in love with someone. However, I am still proud of myself that I didn't give up easily."
I feel proud for her too. Although the relationship turned out did not work out fine, I am proud of her spirit of not given up easily. She used to say "break up" often in her previous relationships. This time, at least she did her part to make things work. I am not saying she is a perfect girl. She has a lot of issues to work on herself like her bad temper and stonewalling attitude.
[In relationships where intense arguments break out suddenly, and where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, and where more contempt leads to more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out. This is the beginning of stonewalling. The stonewaller acts as if he (research indicates that 85% of stonewallers in marriages are husbands) couldn't care less about what the partner is saying or doing. He (sometimes she) turns away from conflict and from the relationship. Any form of disengagement can be stonewalling.] Resource: Dr Howard Lambert - http://www.relationshipresourcecenter.com/html/fourhorse.html (originally was the idea from Dr John Gottman.)
And I am not saying the guy is worthless or bad either. He actually showed his care in different ways. He knew Alice likes to do certain activities and travel around, he did his best to make it happen. He knew Alice likes to go to theme park, he brought her to Disneyland. He did try to woo her from time to time. Guess this is the part that make Alice has hard time to let go now. Of course, after an intimate relationship is over, there are times when we feel like wanted to patch back, wanted to have things like it used to be and wanted to turn back the clock. It is especially hard to let go and knowing that you are alone at night time.
Alice, I wanted to let you know it is OK to shed your tears, it is OK to still hold on before you are ready to let go, it is OK to feel the feeling of sadness, anger, fear and even sorrow. It is not about how he has treated you, it is all about how you treat yourself now. The process of letting go is not easy but I am sure you can do this. You have to believe that you are beautiful and never let anyone take away your precious self. It is not the time to blame anybody or self-blame. Express to me your feelings of anger, sadness, fear and sorrow and then slowly, we will learn to forgive. Thank him for letting you grow up, thank him for giving you a chance to learn more about yourself. Last but not least, thank him for loving you.
However, before we are able to let go and forgive with a peaceful heart, there is some exercises that we need to do. This is an exercise that I found in a book named "Starting Over" by Dr John Gray. I realized some people either blame their ex partners or self blame after a relationship has ended. By holding the hurt from the past, we actually lost the ability to find the soul mate. We actually lose the ability to open our heart and love again. By expressing the four emotions mentioned (anger, sad, fear and sorrow) again and again, we will then be able to find the forgiveness and finally let go. By taking time giving ourselves permission to slowly let go, we will then have stronger hearts when we finally able to let go. We will then able to open our hearts and love again. We will then be able to give the love and accept the love we deserved.
Writing feeling letter, response letter and forgiveness letter to your ex partner is going to help a lot. It doesn't means you have to mail the letter to your ex partner. In fact, the letter should never give out to your ex partner but it is a process of letting go for yourself. Remember, the focus is not on your ex partner but yourself.
The sample of feeling letter:
Dear ______,
I am writing you this letter to express my feelings. I am now in the process of letting go. I believe I am able to find my ability to forgive, let go and finally, love again. I am feeling...
Anger
I am angry that you left. I am angry because I put so much effort in and you just gave up easily. I feel angry when I think about how you kept mentioning your love to your ex partner but not me. I feel angry when you treated me as if I am a stranger in front of your friends and family. I don't like being rejected. I want you to love me.
Sadness
I feel sad that I am alone. I feel sad because I still love you. I feel sad when I think of you will no longer be in my life. I feel sad when you were not holding my hand. I wanted you to love me, I wanted to share my life with you. I expect you to feel the same and love me. I expect to have a great and bright future with you.
Fear
I feel afraid that I am alone. I feel afraid because I don't know where to turn to. I feel afraid when I think about starting over. I feel afraid when I think of you will totally walk out from my life and starting a new and loving relationship with other. I do not want to be alone. I need your love and friendship.
Sorrow
I feel sorry that our relationship doesn't work out. I feel sorry because I can't turn back the clock and make you change your mind. I feel sorry when I think about the happy moments that we have shared. I want you to hold my hand and share our happiness and sadness together. I hope I will be able to let go soon and really let go this time.
Thank you for listening.
Love,
Alice
Source: Gray, J. (2002). Mars and Venus starting over. HarperCollins: NY.
Which one sounds worse to you? To me, definitely the second experience mentioned above. This girl friend of mine named Alice (nickname, to protect her identity). She told me there was once she was really sick and came back from work at night. She was thinking of asking her boy friend to go get medicine for her. They normally talked through MSN. That night however, her boy friend was so obsessed on computer game and didn't notice she needed him. She then called him and asked for his help.
"It is OK that he is obsessed with computer game if he doesn't know I am sick. The problem is, he knew that I was not feeling well a day before. Yet he didn't really care to ask me how I feel today when I came back home." The good thing is, once she made the call, her boy friend straight away said, "I am going to get that now." Alice wanted to go with him and once she got in the car, her boy friend laughed out loud as if watching comedy. She told me even until today, she still didn't know what he was laughing about. She said she couldn't help but started thinking of how her ex boyfriend would have treated her differently than this one. This thought plus her suffering from sickness made her started crying. Her boyfriend then turned to her and said, "Should you cry when you are sick?"
"I felt so disappointed and sad when I heard that. I didn't get the support from him when I needed him the most. I ended up feeling it's better if I went to get the medicine myself instead of counting on him." At this point, she started asking herself whether he is the right one for her. Instead of putting this into big fight, she chose to find support from other sources. She then went to have a sleep over at her friend's house the next day while her boy friend went to his friend's girl friend's birthday party. "I tried to put the thought that he doesn't care behind and therefore I never told him how I felt. And I thought I got the support that I want from friend. However when I recalled this right now, I still feel sad."
"He never wants to hold my hand when we went out. He even acted he didn't know me well in front of his family and friends. I feel sad for this, as if I am a worthless person. The saddest part was, when I tried to get close to him in front of the public, he would go away and avoided me. Sometimes I really think he only wanted to get close to me when he wanted to make love." She started crying when she said this.
This couple showed me the insecure bonding in their relationship. She was not able to reach out for him to ask what she wants when she needed. They are seperated now. Of course, I see a lot of options that can be done to improve this relationship. I am reading a book named "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. It is an extremely good and interesting book especially for those who are interested in knowing what love is all about and how to have a good, secure, loving relationship. I am reading it and I can see many possibilities of them patching back. It is not hopeless. However another thought came into my mind, "Is it worth to put so much effort to fix this relationship at this early stage?"
They were together for less than a year. She was not getting what she wants from the very beginning. A friend of mine told me before, "In dating stage, the guy should woo the girl if he wants her." I agree with what she said in this relationship. If only one party in the relationship is trying hard to make it work while the other just laid back or give up easily, I cannot see the point of continuing the relationship at this early stage. I was trying to utilize the skills that I have learned to help this couple to patch back but after my friend reminded me of that, I think maybe it's better for her to move on. As my friend said, "All the things mentioned in the book are good in helping married couples. But at this early stage, do you think it's worth to have the girl to put in so much effort?"
"I love him. I still do. I have the courage to say that even he never tell me his feeling to me. I cared a lot of his ex girl friend because he always tell me how much he suffering from her leaving but he never tell me how much he treasures or loves me. I guess I wasn't really jealous of his past relationship. Everybody has past, including me. What I want is his reassurance. I want to be able to feel his love and affection. I want to be unique to him. I didn't feel that when I was with him. He made his ex the most unique person when he was with me and I don't know why. He has her photos in his room even we have started our relationship and he put none of mine. And you know what he told me when I mentioned to him my concern? He said I am not a generous person." Well, I wish he is able to find a girl who is generous enough to accept all these.
"I was obsessing the ways to make this relationship work. There are times when I really feel like giving up but I told myself to hold on." She laugh and said, "You know what? I feel myself like a loser when he told me, 'I think it's better if we just be friends.' I thought I am the one that suppose to say this but ended up he told me this. I wanted to say this for a long time but I always tell myself to hold on. I wanted so much to make this relationship work. He even said I fall in love with a guy like him because I am "cheap" ('fan jin' in cantonese)." She cannot control her tear at this point. "Probably he was right. If you asked me what so good about him, I can't really tell you. But that's love isn't it? You have no reason and there's no logic sometimes when you fall in love with someone. However, I am still proud of myself that I didn't give up easily."
I feel proud for her too. Although the relationship turned out did not work out fine, I am proud of her spirit of not given up easily. She used to say "break up" often in her previous relationships. This time, at least she did her part to make things work. I am not saying she is a perfect girl. She has a lot of issues to work on herself like her bad temper and stonewalling attitude.
[In relationships where intense arguments break out suddenly, and where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, and where more contempt leads to more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out. This is the beginning of stonewalling. The stonewaller acts as if he (research indicates that 85% of stonewallers in marriages are husbands) couldn't care less about what the partner is saying or doing. He (sometimes she) turns away from conflict and from the relationship. Any form of disengagement can be stonewalling.] Resource: Dr Howard Lambert - http://www.relationshipresourcecenter.com/html/fourhorse.html (originally was the idea from Dr John Gottman.)
And I am not saying the guy is worthless or bad either. He actually showed his care in different ways. He knew Alice likes to do certain activities and travel around, he did his best to make it happen. He knew Alice likes to go to theme park, he brought her to Disneyland. He did try to woo her from time to time. Guess this is the part that make Alice has hard time to let go now. Of course, after an intimate relationship is over, there are times when we feel like wanted to patch back, wanted to have things like it used to be and wanted to turn back the clock. It is especially hard to let go and knowing that you are alone at night time.
Alice, I wanted to let you know it is OK to shed your tears, it is OK to still hold on before you are ready to let go, it is OK to feel the feeling of sadness, anger, fear and even sorrow. It is not about how he has treated you, it is all about how you treat yourself now. The process of letting go is not easy but I am sure you can do this. You have to believe that you are beautiful and never let anyone take away your precious self. It is not the time to blame anybody or self-blame. Express to me your feelings of anger, sadness, fear and sorrow and then slowly, we will learn to forgive. Thank him for letting you grow up, thank him for giving you a chance to learn more about yourself. Last but not least, thank him for loving you.
However, before we are able to let go and forgive with a peaceful heart, there is some exercises that we need to do. This is an exercise that I found in a book named "Starting Over" by Dr John Gray. I realized some people either blame their ex partners or self blame after a relationship has ended. By holding the hurt from the past, we actually lost the ability to find the soul mate. We actually lose the ability to open our heart and love again. By expressing the four emotions mentioned (anger, sad, fear and sorrow) again and again, we will then be able to find the forgiveness and finally let go. By taking time giving ourselves permission to slowly let go, we will then have stronger hearts when we finally able to let go. We will then able to open our hearts and love again. We will then be able to give the love and accept the love we deserved.
Writing feeling letter, response letter and forgiveness letter to your ex partner is going to help a lot. It doesn't means you have to mail the letter to your ex partner. In fact, the letter should never give out to your ex partner but it is a process of letting go for yourself. Remember, the focus is not on your ex partner but yourself.
The sample of feeling letter:
Dear ______,
I am writing you this letter to express my feelings. I am now in the process of letting go. I believe I am able to find my ability to forgive, let go and finally, love again. I am feeling...
Anger
I am angry that you left. I am angry because I put so much effort in and you just gave up easily. I feel angry when I think about how you kept mentioning your love to your ex partner but not me. I feel angry when you treated me as if I am a stranger in front of your friends and family. I don't like being rejected. I want you to love me.
Sadness
I feel sad that I am alone. I feel sad because I still love you. I feel sad when I think of you will no longer be in my life. I feel sad when you were not holding my hand. I wanted you to love me, I wanted to share my life with you. I expect you to feel the same and love me. I expect to have a great and bright future with you.
Fear
I feel afraid that I am alone. I feel afraid because I don't know where to turn to. I feel afraid when I think about starting over. I feel afraid when I think of you will totally walk out from my life and starting a new and loving relationship with other. I do not want to be alone. I need your love and friendship.
Sorrow
I feel sorry that our relationship doesn't work out. I feel sorry because I can't turn back the clock and make you change your mind. I feel sorry when I think about the happy moments that we have shared. I want you to hold my hand and share our happiness and sadness together. I hope I will be able to let go soon and really let go this time.
Thank you for listening.
Love,
Alice
Source: Gray, J. (2002). Mars and Venus starting over. HarperCollins: NY.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
对不起，我也爱你
已经凌晨一点零八分了，我的双眼却是张得比铜铃还大。在床上翻来覆去地，越是逼自己睡却更是精神奕奕。想起今早去学校前买了一大杯摩卡咖啡（Coffee Mocha），晚餐时又喝了一大杯的茉莉珍珠奶茶（Jasmine Milk Tea），我想现在我的血液里该都流着咖啡因吧！在这样无眠的夜晚，思绪总会乱窜，然后一些陈年往事就会在此时不经意地浮上心头。
我忽然想起了我的弟弟，我那远在古晋工作的大弟弟。在我的部落格里，我写过文章给我的爸妈，我写过文章给我的小弟，就是不曾提及这位大弟弟。我们俩年龄相差三岁，彼此的感情称不上好，其实相当疏远。小的时候我们更是水火不容，我说不上为什么，这个时候大概只能怪八字不合吧！长大后我们鲜少有话题，然后我就来到美国了。
很奇怪，在我来到这里后，对这位弟弟的歉疚会在完全没预期的情况下不时浮上心头。就像今夜，很多和他儿时的回忆又拼了命的涌上来。我想起在我七岁时，他只有四岁。当时家里很穷，没能力买奢侈的玩具。我忘了在怎样的情况下，我和他各自得到了一个扑满。当时我们在房间里，把一些钱币装进扑满里，我突然顽皮了起来（我一向来就不是什么善类），打算吓一吓我这胆小的弟弟。我朝他身后看了一眼，然后大声喊：“有鬼！”然后开始往房门外跑。他看见我的样子，也跟着大喊，紧跟在我身后往房门外跑。瘦小的他抱着他那崭新的扑满跑，一个不小心摔了一跤，全新的扑满摔在地上破了。他难过地大哭了起来。今夜，他难过大哭的样子一再地在我脑海里，像坏了的幻灯一样一再重复着。他装满泪水的双眼看着地上化成碎片的扑满，那难过的眼神，让现在的我被深深的愧疚感缠绕得呼吸都困难了起来。
一个只有四岁大的穷苦人家的孩子，难得得到了新的扑满，我看见他宝贝地抱在怀里，却还使坏地让他在下一秒钟就失去了刚到手的扑满。我真的好坏。这段记忆已经不是第一次出现，只是今夜特别强烈，强烈得我几乎要窒息。
小时候的他不多话，我后来才知道他不是不爱说话，而是他说的话在家里得不到倾听。小时候的他胆小，而身为姐姐的我对他不但没有怜爱和保护，更是使尽办法欺负他。我记得他三年级那年，学校来了一位超级严厉的老师。而这位吴老师，更是成为他的班主任。他也曾是我的数学老师，我记得他的严厉。说严厉还真的是对他客气了，像他这样随便挥鞭鞭打学生的老师，早该捉去人道毁灭！就连我都害怕上他的课了，更别说胆小的弟弟。
有一天，他哭哭啼啼跑来我的班上找我，说他生病了。我也不理会他是真病还是假病，恶狠狠的瞪着他，朝他大声吼，叫他别说谎，赶快回班上上课。这一刻，我想起了他布满泪水的双眼，难过的看着我，然后转身一边擦泪一边回他的教室。
我真的亏欠我这弟弟好多好多。如果时光可以为我倒转一次，我最想回到过去这些时光刮醒我自己，好好对待我这位善良的弟弟。如今我们都长大了，他不再是当时弱小需要人保护的小男孩。可是过往的回忆，如今却会不时跑出来将我吞噬。他从来没有抱怨过什么，即使看见我对小弟的态度和对他的态度完全不一样，他依然尊敬我这位大姐，可我却从来不曾为他做过什么。他就是那么的善良。现在的他在古晋勤力工作，往昔白皙的皮肤晒成了古铜色，曾经瘦弱的身子如今壮硕了起来。看见我，依然笑嘻嘻的。我说的这些回忆，他或许已经不记得了，因为天性善良的他从不记恨，可是这些记忆对我来说却是清晰不已。
今夜，在这个无眠的夜晚，我只想和你说声：“彬，对不起，我也爱你。”
我忽然想起了我的弟弟，我那远在古晋工作的大弟弟。在我的部落格里，我写过文章给我的爸妈，我写过文章给我的小弟，就是不曾提及这位大弟弟。我们俩年龄相差三岁，彼此的感情称不上好，其实相当疏远。小的时候我们更是水火不容，我说不上为什么，这个时候大概只能怪八字不合吧！长大后我们鲜少有话题，然后我就来到美国了。
很奇怪，在我来到这里后，对这位弟弟的歉疚会在完全没预期的情况下不时浮上心头。就像今夜，很多和他儿时的回忆又拼了命的涌上来。我想起在我七岁时，他只有四岁。当时家里很穷，没能力买奢侈的玩具。我忘了在怎样的情况下，我和他各自得到了一个扑满。当时我们在房间里，把一些钱币装进扑满里，我突然顽皮了起来（我一向来就不是什么善类），打算吓一吓我这胆小的弟弟。我朝他身后看了一眼，然后大声喊：“有鬼！”然后开始往房门外跑。他看见我的样子，也跟着大喊，紧跟在我身后往房门外跑。瘦小的他抱着他那崭新的扑满跑，一个不小心摔了一跤，全新的扑满摔在地上破了。他难过地大哭了起来。今夜，他难过大哭的样子一再地在我脑海里，像坏了的幻灯一样一再重复着。他装满泪水的双眼看着地上化成碎片的扑满，那难过的眼神，让现在的我被深深的愧疚感缠绕得呼吸都困难了起来。
一个只有四岁大的穷苦人家的孩子，难得得到了新的扑满，我看见他宝贝地抱在怀里，却还使坏地让他在下一秒钟就失去了刚到手的扑满。我真的好坏。这段记忆已经不是第一次出现，只是今夜特别强烈，强烈得我几乎要窒息。
小时候的他不多话，我后来才知道他不是不爱说话，而是他说的话在家里得不到倾听。小时候的他胆小，而身为姐姐的我对他不但没有怜爱和保护，更是使尽办法欺负他。我记得他三年级那年，学校来了一位超级严厉的老师。而这位吴老师，更是成为他的班主任。他也曾是我的数学老师，我记得他的严厉。说严厉还真的是对他客气了，像他这样随便挥鞭鞭打学生的老师，早该捉去人道毁灭！就连我都害怕上他的课了，更别说胆小的弟弟。
有一天，他哭哭啼啼跑来我的班上找我，说他生病了。我也不理会他是真病还是假病，恶狠狠的瞪着他，朝他大声吼，叫他别说谎，赶快回班上上课。这一刻，我想起了他布满泪水的双眼，难过的看着我，然后转身一边擦泪一边回他的教室。
我真的亏欠我这弟弟好多好多。如果时光可以为我倒转一次，我最想回到过去这些时光刮醒我自己，好好对待我这位善良的弟弟。如今我们都长大了，他不再是当时弱小需要人保护的小男孩。可是过往的回忆，如今却会不时跑出来将我吞噬。他从来没有抱怨过什么，即使看见我对小弟的态度和对他的态度完全不一样，他依然尊敬我这位大姐，可我却从来不曾为他做过什么。他就是那么的善良。现在的他在古晋勤力工作，往昔白皙的皮肤晒成了古铜色，曾经瘦弱的身子如今壮硕了起来。看见我，依然笑嘻嘻的。我说的这些回忆，他或许已经不记得了，因为天性善良的他从不记恨，可是这些记忆对我来说却是清晰不已。
今夜，在这个无眠的夜晚，我只想和你说声：“彬，对不起，我也爱你。”
Monday, January 4, 2010
San Francisco and Napa Valley
It's another brand new year.
What a boring way to start my blog!
First of all, quick update about myself. I have posted an article more than a month ago about planning for a trip. I finally didn't go anywhere for Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, I am able to make it for New Year! Yay!! It doesn't mean I didn't have fun for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I spent most of my time playing Mah Jong (which I just learned and get addicted lately, lol!) for those vacations. Lucky enough, I was able to get a little getaway to San Francisco and Napa Valley and spent my new year vacations there. San Francisco is always the place that I wanted to go for a long time. I enjoyed the trip, although I have lost something important in that trip; something that I might not be able to get it back.
San Francisco indeed is a beautiful and unique place to visit. However, I like Napa Valley better as I always love natures. The only set back for the trip to Napa Valley was all the grapes were gone and leaves were dried since now is winter time. Oh ya, for those who are not familiar with Napa Valley, it is a famous place where the people grow grapes to produce wine. The beauty scenary as described "picturesque rolling hills planted with vineyards year-round and wineries of every stature dot the landscape" was breathtaking. As you know, I love wine and I enjoyed wine tasting tour. I am not a "wine expert", not even close. However, I learned to appreciate wine a little bit better after the tour. At least I have learned the basic way to differentiate good wine from bad. LOL!
Where are all the pictures?? Oh gosh, I will think about it whether or not to post them here. :P (I do not want to simply give my words as I did last time for Halloween and I never did that!)
The trip took us 6 hours drive from Orange County. Some people do not like long distance trip but I do. Six hours was not too long for me to sit in the car after all. The fun thing about a trip does not start on the destination but the process of getting to the destination is one of the exciting parts for me. Besides, I always enjoy sitting in the car with the music on and see the scenary passing by.
I spent my last day of vacation, which is yesterday to rest at home for entire day. Another set back of the trip was my monthly period made my emotion fluctuate a lot. I get frustrated easily and my weak body made me could not enjoy the max of my trip, especially the second rainy day and the last Napa trip. I actually enjoyed the trip very much but physically, I just feel like lying down on a bed and sleep. I appreciate the patience and tolarance that my friends gave me.
Therefore I spent my entire Sunday lying down on my bed. I did not step out from my room except for going to bathroom. I was impressed by myself for not taking any proper food the whole day, except for 2 pieces of cookies for lunch and 3 quarters of chocolate bar for dinner. And, some wine for my supper! LOL! I am easy to get emotionally after having some wine. I did not do anything on day time but only started unpacked my stuff, did my laundry and cleaned my room at the evening. I am blessed I did not need to worry anything at work or school for that day but rest. I feel good that I can waste my luxurious time once in a while and spoil myself like that. Everything back to normal routine today but my school has not started until next week. Therefore besides working, I still have plenty of time to do what I always wanted to do.
The reason I am writing blog today, was because I wanted to write about a show on KIIS FM that I listened to this morning on my way to school. I ended up writing some update about myself and my time is gone. I will (hopefully) write about it later on when I get home since it is an interesting topic to talk about.
What a boring way to start my blog!
First of all, quick update about myself. I have posted an article more than a month ago about planning for a trip. I finally didn't go anywhere for Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, I am able to make it for New Year! Yay!! It doesn't mean I didn't have fun for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I spent most of my time playing Mah Jong (which I just learned and get addicted lately, lol!) for those vacations. Lucky enough, I was able to get a little getaway to San Francisco and Napa Valley and spent my new year vacations there. San Francisco is always the place that I wanted to go for a long time. I enjoyed the trip, although I have lost something important in that trip; something that I might not be able to get it back.
San Francisco indeed is a beautiful and unique place to visit. However, I like Napa Valley better as I always love natures. The only set back for the trip to Napa Valley was all the grapes were gone and leaves were dried since now is winter time. Oh ya, for those who are not familiar with Napa Valley, it is a famous place where the people grow grapes to produce wine. The beauty scenary as described "picturesque rolling hills planted with vineyards year-round and wineries of every stature dot the landscape" was breathtaking. As you know, I love wine and I enjoyed wine tasting tour. I am not a "wine expert", not even close. However, I learned to appreciate wine a little bit better after the tour. At least I have learned the basic way to differentiate good wine from bad. LOL!
Where are all the pictures?? Oh gosh, I will think about it whether or not to post them here. :P (I do not want to simply give my words as I did last time for Halloween and I never did that!)
The trip took us 6 hours drive from Orange County. Some people do not like long distance trip but I do. Six hours was not too long for me to sit in the car after all. The fun thing about a trip does not start on the destination but the process of getting to the destination is one of the exciting parts for me. Besides, I always enjoy sitting in the car with the music on and see the scenary passing by.
I spent my last day of vacation, which is yesterday to rest at home for entire day. Another set back of the trip was my monthly period made my emotion fluctuate a lot. I get frustrated easily and my weak body made me could not enjoy the max of my trip, especially the second rainy day and the last Napa trip. I actually enjoyed the trip very much but physically, I just feel like lying down on a bed and sleep. I appreciate the patience and tolarance that my friends gave me.
Therefore I spent my entire Sunday lying down on my bed. I did not step out from my room except for going to bathroom. I was impressed by myself for not taking any proper food the whole day, except for 2 pieces of cookies for lunch and 3 quarters of chocolate bar for dinner. And, some wine for my supper! LOL! I am easy to get emotionally after having some wine. I did not do anything on day time but only started unpacked my stuff, did my laundry and cleaned my room at the evening. I am blessed I did not need to worry anything at work or school for that day but rest. I feel good that I can waste my luxurious time once in a while and spoil myself like that. Everything back to normal routine today but my school has not started until next week. Therefore besides working, I still have plenty of time to do what I always wanted to do.
The reason I am writing blog today, was because I wanted to write about a show on KIIS FM that I listened to this morning on my way to school. I ended up writing some update about myself and my time is gone. I will (hopefully) write about it later on when I get home since it is an interesting topic to talk about.
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