There was a Father's Day celebration in my house last night. My house were full of people eating hotpot together at the garage. I am currently living with a family of six persons: elderly parents, a son, a daughter and her husband together with their six-year-old daughther. I am the only outsider in this family but they treat me real nice, as if I am part of the family. I really feel I am the lucky one.
I remember long time ago, I blogged about a very important person that I met in the US and his beloved children. If it is not because of him, I would not meet such a wonderful family that I am living with now. He treated me like his sister and in my heart, he is truely like my big brother (since I do not have any biological elder brother in my life). And because of him, everybody call me "sister", including his parents-in-law! That is funny.
About ten months ago, a very good friend of mine who came to study together with me decided to go back to Malaysia due to some personal reasons. We used to live together, went to school together, ate together, slept together and almost did everything together, until she left. I started worry about the rental and the life that I need to continue here by myself. And then my brother, introduced me to his in-laws family and a nice room ^_^ I always feel thankful to him. Because of this family, I do not feel alone. Because of this family, I have chance to celebrate Chinese New Year and some other important festivals. I certainly know if I never met him and his family, I would be very lonely and all by myself, especially during special occasions. They are just like my second family, thousand miles away from my hometown.
This is a very close-knit family. If I am not mistaken, the parents have six grown children. Therefore everytime when they have party, my house will be FULL of people, literally full of people. Imagine all five children came back home with their spouses and children... Wow! And then the kids ran everywhere while the adults having fun playing cards or Mah Jong. Occasionally, you will hear kid's screaming, crying, yelling, and laughing (which is extremely normal). At that moment, I suddenly understand why my parents want me to go home so badly. I feel warm when I see them gather together. Like it or not, they are family. This is their root, their loved ones and their protection, if anything ever happened. I remembered my mom told me once, "Just come home, child. If you were to marry and have your own family so far away, if there were anything happened to you or your marriage, you have nothing there... But, you have your home here, a home that always opens the door and welcome you, no matter what happen."
My paternal grandparents have seven children. I remembered when I was little and my grandparents were still alive, we went to their house to celebrate CNY every year. I remembered feeling bored because all my cousins are either too old or too young to play with me. Now, I know it is a blessing when I am able to celebrate together with any of them, especially my grandparents, since they have passed.
Sometimes I wonder whether I should stay here longer to pursue my dream or just go back home right after I got my Master degree. My parents have three children and I am the only daughter in the family. I can understand their eagerness of wanting me back home. Putting my own dreams, needs, together with their expectations and wishes on top of the scales and weight, I still do not sure the answer. I do not want to stay here longer with the guilty feeling haunting me every now and then, and I do not want to go back home with the regrets following me for the rest of my life. Anyway, I will save this conflict till August to talk to my parents when I back home. I hope I will get my answer and decision by then.
This blog is about this special family that have a special position in my life. I feel truely thankful to them. Regardless of where I would be in the future, they will always be in my heart. I know when I think of any of them, my heart would always full of gratitude and warmth.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
爸，父亲节快乐
我和爸爸的关系，和其他父女不同。我们没有亲昵的称呼或拥抱，更没有交谈。我们一度像陌路人，虽同住一个屋檐下，但一天甚至不说一句话。我们之间的相对无言，真的是完完全全没有话题。我看见别的父亲对女儿亲切的感情，心里总是深深羡慕，也暗暗失落……我好希望自己的父女情也能那样。
两年多以前当我向家里正式宣布我要到美国，反对声浪最大就是来自吾老爸。当时心里只是觉得：“你就只会反对。反正我做什么都不对，都不好。”后来才知道，他除了担心，更多的是不舍。我尽了最大的努力说服爸妈，最后当然成功啦！刚来美国的目的是想增长见闻，一年以后打包回国，然后安分找份工作度过余生。现在在这里已经两年半了，可见，我并没有跟着最初的计划。可是在这里的两年半里，我和老爸的感情反而增进了不少。我记得去年和前年的圣诞平安夜，我都是和老爸两个人把酒对月、共同谈心度过。想象不到吧？就连我自己都无法想象，曾经那么冷漠甚至恶劣的关系，如今竟然可以坐下谈心。
我想，这要追溯到我在前年夏天的特殊工作。我说的特殊工作，不是那种“特种行业”，而是普通人或许一生都不会做的工作。这份工作，我得在炎热的夏天，抱着十几公斤重的书本，到一个完全陌生的地区一家一家敲门销售。虽然我不是千金小姐出身，可是也从来没有受过这样的考验。我家虽然不是腰缠万贯，但是至少是能让我温饱并有些许额外零花钱的处境。来到美国，在朋友的转介下接触这份暑假工作，我开始了我人生中少有的严峻挑战。我一直想好好地把我的“夏天经历”化成文字和大家分享，可是那种深刻的经验却不是只字片语所可以表达的。而今天，我想写的，是这个“夏天经历”如何让我和老爸的感情更进一步。
在夏日，我遇见好多好人，也遇见好多薄情刻薄的人。所谓人无百日好，花无百日红。当我碰到不好的天，也就是遇见很多不好的人的时候，心情跌到谷底。这时，我特别想念我老爸。自己在车上悄悄哭泣后，我就会拨电给我老爸。我记得当时是Georgia州下午大约一点钟，马来西亚时间已是凌晨一点了。老爸接到我的电话，有点紧张地问我怎么回事。我告诉他：“爸，不知道为什么，今天特别想念你。可能我终于知道你一个人出外打拼赚钱养家有多么辛苦了。”我爸沉默了一阵，可能他不知道该怎么接话吧。不知道他听见了我哽咽的声音没，然后他生硬地尝试转话题。闲谈了一会，他就叫我别做这份工了。或许我骨子里有叛逆的因子，他越让我不做，在我挂了电话后，我的士气又会提升，然后继续努力打拼。我觉得，他让我别做的原因，是因为心疼我的辛苦，所以我更没借口偷懒或放弃了。
这就是我的老爸。铁汉，可是柔情。刚硬的外表下有一颗柔软的心。刀子嘴，豆腐心；说的就是他这种人。我的思绪飘到了十多年以前，家里最艰苦的时候。那时老爸总是转换工作，甚至做起了渔夫。一个极度怕海的人，为了养家糊口，忍住了极度的恐惧，踏上摇摇晃晃的渔船往深海开去。有时捕到了条大鱼，我们全家还会欢天喜地到烧鱼档口饱餐一顿。他也当过罗里技工，每天天未亮就出门，天黑了才全身脏兮兮回家。当时的日子清苦，而我老爸的野心绝对不是只让我们温饱而已。小时的记忆无法清楚记得他打拼的过程，可是我知道他想给我们更多、更好的。
我第一次抱我的老爸，竟然是两年多以前他到机场送机时。我看见他红了的眼眶……那不在我的预期中。我心目中的老爸，是拥有冷酷、最能吓哭小孩的外表。我们之间的隔阂，让我差点忘了，我始终是他唯一的女儿。我听我妈说，在我走以后，我爸竟然失眠了。一年后我回国，在机场看见老爸时，他再度红了眼眶，然后转过身暗暗擦拭。然后，我看见了他鬓白的头发。只是一年，我的爸爸却苍老了那么许多。深锁的眉头，更是怎样也化不开。爸，你是不是有很多的烦恼？
我妈常说，我爸是浪子。如果我爸真的是不适合婚姻的浪子，我想告诉他：“爸，谢谢你让这个家绑了那么多年。我不晓得当初是什么让你毅然决定结束单身生活，但是你负责了，你挑起了养家的责任这么多年。再怎么不愿意，你的大半生却也已经奉献给了我们。谢谢你了，我亲爱的老爸！”
两年多以前当我向家里正式宣布我要到美国，反对声浪最大就是来自吾老爸。当时心里只是觉得：“你就只会反对。反正我做什么都不对，都不好。”后来才知道，他除了担心，更多的是不舍。我尽了最大的努力说服爸妈，最后当然成功啦！刚来美国的目的是想增长见闻，一年以后打包回国，然后安分找份工作度过余生。现在在这里已经两年半了，可见，我并没有跟着最初的计划。可是在这里的两年半里，我和老爸的感情反而增进了不少。我记得去年和前年的圣诞平安夜，我都是和老爸两个人把酒对月、共同谈心度过。想象不到吧？就连我自己都无法想象，曾经那么冷漠甚至恶劣的关系，如今竟然可以坐下谈心。
我想，这要追溯到我在前年夏天的特殊工作。我说的特殊工作，不是那种“特种行业”，而是普通人或许一生都不会做的工作。这份工作，我得在炎热的夏天，抱着十几公斤重的书本，到一个完全陌生的地区一家一家敲门销售。虽然我不是千金小姐出身，可是也从来没有受过这样的考验。我家虽然不是腰缠万贯，但是至少是能让我温饱并有些许额外零花钱的处境。来到美国，在朋友的转介下接触这份暑假工作，我开始了我人生中少有的严峻挑战。我一直想好好地把我的“夏天经历”化成文字和大家分享，可是那种深刻的经验却不是只字片语所可以表达的。而今天，我想写的，是这个“夏天经历”如何让我和老爸的感情更进一步。
在夏日，我遇见好多好人，也遇见好多薄情刻薄的人。所谓人无百日好，花无百日红。当我碰到不好的天，也就是遇见很多不好的人的时候，心情跌到谷底。这时，我特别想念我老爸。自己在车上悄悄哭泣后，我就会拨电给我老爸。我记得当时是Georgia州下午大约一点钟，马来西亚时间已是凌晨一点了。老爸接到我的电话，有点紧张地问我怎么回事。我告诉他：“爸，不知道为什么，今天特别想念你。可能我终于知道你一个人出外打拼赚钱养家有多么辛苦了。”我爸沉默了一阵，可能他不知道该怎么接话吧。不知道他听见了我哽咽的声音没，然后他生硬地尝试转话题。闲谈了一会，他就叫我别做这份工了。或许我骨子里有叛逆的因子，他越让我不做，在我挂了电话后，我的士气又会提升，然后继续努力打拼。我觉得，他让我别做的原因，是因为心疼我的辛苦，所以我更没借口偷懒或放弃了。
这就是我的老爸。铁汉，可是柔情。刚硬的外表下有一颗柔软的心。刀子嘴，豆腐心；说的就是他这种人。我的思绪飘到了十多年以前，家里最艰苦的时候。那时老爸总是转换工作，甚至做起了渔夫。一个极度怕海的人，为了养家糊口，忍住了极度的恐惧，踏上摇摇晃晃的渔船往深海开去。有时捕到了条大鱼，我们全家还会欢天喜地到烧鱼档口饱餐一顿。他也当过罗里技工，每天天未亮就出门，天黑了才全身脏兮兮回家。当时的日子清苦，而我老爸的野心绝对不是只让我们温饱而已。小时的记忆无法清楚记得他打拼的过程，可是我知道他想给我们更多、更好的。
我第一次抱我的老爸，竟然是两年多以前他到机场送机时。我看见他红了的眼眶……那不在我的预期中。我心目中的老爸，是拥有冷酷、最能吓哭小孩的外表。我们之间的隔阂，让我差点忘了，我始终是他唯一的女儿。我听我妈说，在我走以后，我爸竟然失眠了。一年后我回国，在机场看见老爸时，他再度红了眼眶，然后转过身暗暗擦拭。然后，我看见了他鬓白的头发。只是一年，我的爸爸却苍老了那么许多。深锁的眉头，更是怎样也化不开。爸，你是不是有很多的烦恼？
我妈常说，我爸是浪子。如果我爸真的是不适合婚姻的浪子，我想告诉他：“爸，谢谢你让这个家绑了那么多年。我不晓得当初是什么让你毅然决定结束单身生活，但是你负责了，你挑起了养家的责任这么多年。再怎么不愿意，你的大半生却也已经奉献给了我们。谢谢你了，我亲爱的老爸！”
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Breakthrough Emotional Numbness
Can you remember the last time you cried out loud? Cry is different from shed tears or sobbing. If you do not know what crying is, look at the upset little kids. Can you even recall the last time you cried? Do you perceive that only weak creature would cry but not strong or grown up people like you? Do you think cry = bad/negative/unloving/vulnerable or all other negative words that you could think of?
I always complain about the people who like to complain. I have couple friends whom like to complain about almost EVERYTHING. When they do not have something, they complained. When they finally have it, they STILL complain. They made a decision, and they keep cursing and complaining about the decisions that they have made. They are the persons whom think they are the most pity persons in the world! I can’t stand these people, seriously can’t. The main reason is because I think they choose to look at the bad side of EVERYTHING. Their lives are sad.
However, does being optimistic means that one does not have the right to feel upset, sad, vulnerable or angry about something? A good friend of mine used to complain a lot. After knowing that I do not like this attitude, she changed. She changed to be “extremely” optimistic and even deal with sad or bad incident that happened to her, she still said, “I am ok. It’s nothing to upset about.”
I do not consider this as optimistic. I call this, denial. There is a different between optimistic and on denial. When certain things happened that really upset us or make us pain or sad, our brains tell us is ok but really our hearts do not feel it is all right at all. Our brain always tells us what the rational things to do and urge us to move forward ASAP while our hearts are not ready to do so yet. Eventually, we lose the chance to heal our pain and lost. When time passed by, our emotions then becoming numb. Following by that, we even forgot how to cry.
One of the reasons it is so delightful to be around little children is that they are so full of feeling. When they love you, they really feel the love. When they are happy to see you, they really feel the joy. Remember when we are children, we all had the ability to feel at full capacity. We do not hide the feelings or pretend nothing had happened. However when we grow up, we lose that ability to certain degree. Due to various kind of reasons like cultures teaching and norms of the society, we suppress our real feelings. When coping with life’s challenges, obstacles and disappointments, we gradually become numb to our emotions. By suppressing or numbing negative emotions, we gradually lose our ability to feel positive emotions. By not feeling sadness, anger, fear and sorrow, we also lose the ability to feel joy, gratitude, love and peace.
I am glad that I finally found my ability to cry again. I have been in the emotional numbness for awhile. Certain things that happened in my life, not really sad enough to make me cry but yet those are not happy things. I feel an important piece of me is missing and I am living life neither sad nor joy, but numb. I lost the ability to feel, to give, to love and being loved. Have you ever had the experience that you feel like crying but you have no tears and you just not able to do so? Perhaps my brain has been set default, telling myself “It is not a big deal” or “There is nothing to be upset or sad” “You will be fine”, or “Come on, don’t be a loser”. Just like the song, “Big girls don’t cry”.
Then, when I finally hit the bottom part and being triggered, I cried out loud. And, I feel so relief after that. Sometimes, being able to cry out loud is also a blessing. It opens my heart to be able to feel again. It gives me the ability to work on my issues and keep growing. I am glad that I finally am able to gain back the ability that I once had when I was a child. :)
I always complain about the people who like to complain. I have couple friends whom like to complain about almost EVERYTHING. When they do not have something, they complained. When they finally have it, they STILL complain. They made a decision, and they keep cursing and complaining about the decisions that they have made. They are the persons whom think they are the most pity persons in the world! I can’t stand these people, seriously can’t. The main reason is because I think they choose to look at the bad side of EVERYTHING. Their lives are sad.
However, does being optimistic means that one does not have the right to feel upset, sad, vulnerable or angry about something? A good friend of mine used to complain a lot. After knowing that I do not like this attitude, she changed. She changed to be “extremely” optimistic and even deal with sad or bad incident that happened to her, she still said, “I am ok. It’s nothing to upset about.”
I do not consider this as optimistic. I call this, denial. There is a different between optimistic and on denial. When certain things happened that really upset us or make us pain or sad, our brains tell us is ok but really our hearts do not feel it is all right at all. Our brain always tells us what the rational things to do and urge us to move forward ASAP while our hearts are not ready to do so yet. Eventually, we lose the chance to heal our pain and lost. When time passed by, our emotions then becoming numb. Following by that, we even forgot how to cry.
One of the reasons it is so delightful to be around little children is that they are so full of feeling. When they love you, they really feel the love. When they are happy to see you, they really feel the joy. Remember when we are children, we all had the ability to feel at full capacity. We do not hide the feelings or pretend nothing had happened. However when we grow up, we lose that ability to certain degree. Due to various kind of reasons like cultures teaching and norms of the society, we suppress our real feelings. When coping with life’s challenges, obstacles and disappointments, we gradually become numb to our emotions. By suppressing or numbing negative emotions, we gradually lose our ability to feel positive emotions. By not feeling sadness, anger, fear and sorrow, we also lose the ability to feel joy, gratitude, love and peace.
I am glad that I finally found my ability to cry again. I have been in the emotional numbness for awhile. Certain things that happened in my life, not really sad enough to make me cry but yet those are not happy things. I feel an important piece of me is missing and I am living life neither sad nor joy, but numb. I lost the ability to feel, to give, to love and being loved. Have you ever had the experience that you feel like crying but you have no tears and you just not able to do so? Perhaps my brain has been set default, telling myself “It is not a big deal” or “There is nothing to be upset or sad” “You will be fine”, or “Come on, don’t be a loser”. Just like the song, “Big girls don’t cry”.
Then, when I finally hit the bottom part and being triggered, I cried out loud. And, I feel so relief after that. Sometimes, being able to cry out loud is also a blessing. It opens my heart to be able to feel again. It gives me the ability to work on my issues and keep growing. I am glad that I finally am able to gain back the ability that I once had when I was a child. :)
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Night
I like night time. The words that come across my mind when night time approaching are peaceful, quiet, cool, romantic, evil, dangerous and scary. There are big contrast among these words, and I realized.
I am very productive when I am able to feel the feeling of peaceful at night. I am able to write a good article, complete my assignments, explore my inner feelings, or simply stay bright while tasting the feeling of joy. The cool air at night time can refresh my tired brain and body that have been busy for whole day. The quiet environment however, let me able to involve a lot of thinking and simply relax.
And when I am with my love one, night time is the time that I can feel the real romance. If you know the real meaning of romance, you know it is not just about sex. The romance that I refer here, is the moment that I can look into his eyes and feel our hearts and souls are so close to each other. The romance that I am talking about here, is the moment that I can hold his hands and talk about our dreams, our thoughts and even our future.
However if you spend the night time with some random people, then the night could turn out to be very different. Few years ago, I was innocent enough to believe that friendship could be very pure and not involving evil intent or motive. That was because I have a very good male friend and we were both sure that nothing would ever happen even we both being locked up in a room overnight. Not until lately, when a few of my male friends telling me that a man and a woman really should not spend time together during night time, if they were not in a relationship. This is because men would have the "need", especially the "experienced" men.
Then I started thinking, was I too innocent back then? Or perhaps my good friend that I was talking about was (is?) still virgin and therefore we both have that innocent belief? I am not sure whether he has had the experience now and if he does, I hope he will be able to give me an answer. That is the reason why I am relating night time with the words like evil and dangerous. There are times when I kept wondering why people always like to think "bad" when a man and a woman spend time in a room at night time. Now I understand the reason behind because there really have the high possibility that something might happened.
Then comes to the word scary. I remembered few years ago, I could not stand scary movies. I am afraid of spirit, ghost and other extraordinary stories and movies. If I happened to watch any scary movies or read or heard any scary stories, I would be very paranoid during night time. I would be very afraind of going to toilet and scare to look at the mirror at night. However, the real scary thing that I am referring is not that. Night time can turn out to be scary and painful for a person who just broke up.
I have a nice talk last week to a friend whom just broke up. We were sharing the painful feeling aftermath a painful broke up. I really longed the feeling of girls' talks since I hardly have any close friends here. We both agree that night time can make people more vulnerable when we are facing certain obstacles in life, like losing a love one. The level of anxiety is rising when we are alone at night. The person who used to be beside her is gone and she has to deal with the loneliness alone. That could be really painful.
It is 2.07am now. I hope I can sleep soundly tonight. Good night, Mr Moon.
I am very productive when I am able to feel the feeling of peaceful at night. I am able to write a good article, complete my assignments, explore my inner feelings, or simply stay bright while tasting the feeling of joy. The cool air at night time can refresh my tired brain and body that have been busy for whole day. The quiet environment however, let me able to involve a lot of thinking and simply relax.
And when I am with my love one, night time is the time that I can feel the real romance. If you know the real meaning of romance, you know it is not just about sex. The romance that I refer here, is the moment that I can look into his eyes and feel our hearts and souls are so close to each other. The romance that I am talking about here, is the moment that I can hold his hands and talk about our dreams, our thoughts and even our future.
However if you spend the night time with some random people, then the night could turn out to be very different. Few years ago, I was innocent enough to believe that friendship could be very pure and not involving evil intent or motive. That was because I have a very good male friend and we were both sure that nothing would ever happen even we both being locked up in a room overnight. Not until lately, when a few of my male friends telling me that a man and a woman really should not spend time together during night time, if they were not in a relationship. This is because men would have the "need", especially the "experienced" men.
Then I started thinking, was I too innocent back then? Or perhaps my good friend that I was talking about was (is?) still virgin and therefore we both have that innocent belief? I am not sure whether he has had the experience now and if he does, I hope he will be able to give me an answer. That is the reason why I am relating night time with the words like evil and dangerous. There are times when I kept wondering why people always like to think "bad" when a man and a woman spend time in a room at night time. Now I understand the reason behind because there really have the high possibility that something might happened.
Then comes to the word scary. I remembered few years ago, I could not stand scary movies. I am afraid of spirit, ghost and other extraordinary stories and movies. If I happened to watch any scary movies or read or heard any scary stories, I would be very paranoid during night time. I would be very afraind of going to toilet and scare to look at the mirror at night. However, the real scary thing that I am referring is not that. Night time can turn out to be scary and painful for a person who just broke up.
I have a nice talk last week to a friend whom just broke up. We were sharing the painful feeling aftermath a painful broke up. I really longed the feeling of girls' talks since I hardly have any close friends here. We both agree that night time can make people more vulnerable when we are facing certain obstacles in life, like losing a love one. The level of anxiety is rising when we are alone at night. The person who used to be beside her is gone and she has to deal with the loneliness alone. That could be really painful.
It is 2.07am now. I hope I can sleep soundly tonight. Good night, Mr Moon.
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